Morning tea time. I’m eating crackers (2 Vegemite, 2 peanut butter), have a coffee and a pink lady apple. Excellent.
And now I would like to tell you about my morning.
If you saw yesterdays post, you would have seen the photo I posted of me in a dress. It has no sleeves. It’s the only thing my mother has ever bought me that doesn’t have sleeves that I actually asked her to buy. Now here’s the tricky part for me: getting over my self-consciousness and just wearing it. In public. Where people can see my arms.
It’s probably no big deal to you. “Arms?” you say. ” “Everyone has arms.”
I didn’t like them for a long time. Many years actually. Probably about eleven years or so, if we’re going to get specific. Anyway! Point of the story is this: I put the dress on this morning (but with a cardigan over the top). Had a cry to A. He tried to reassure me I wasn’t fat. He challenged me to take my cardigan off and go down the driveway to collect the mail. Succeeded. Took Bella for a walk up the main street with no cardigan on. People could see my arms. It was a strange sensation, having sun touch my shoulders – it’s been a long time!
When I came back to the house, I got back into my baggy / daggy clothes again – the clothes that I feel most comfortable in. I think that being in public with bare arms for half an hour was enough bravery for one day.
However, the whole situation has made me grateful for many things. You might think they’re small, or perhaps irrelevant – but if you have in any way experienced an eating disorder, you’ll understand what I mean.
- I use tablespoons now – I always, always ate with teaspoons. It made food safe.
- I use normal bowls. No more kiddy horse bowls or plates – no more comfort zones.
- I don’t count how many bites of an apple I had, or how many sultanas I’ve eaten. No more OCD behaviour.
- My nails are growing again. I’ve bitten them terribly since I was ten years old
- I don’t measure food any more. No more scales, or measuring cups. I’ll have as much as I please. I’m starting to trust myself.
- I use margarine on my toast. It’s a fantastic creation, that stuff.
- I’ve stopped measuring my body. No putting my legs together to see if my thighs touch. No wrapping my thumb and forefinger around my wrist to see if it’s magically gotten bigger overnight.
- I’m nowhere near as obsessed as I used to be. It’s a nice feeling, really.
So it really is a big deal if I wear a sleeveless dress. It is a big deal if I manage to eat lunch without anyone in the house. It is a big deal that I ate bacon on turkish bread for dinner last night. Big hurdles, and more to come too.
It’s really quite enjoyable kicking this eating disorder up the bum.