I mentioned in my post ‘Small Things’ found here certain behaviours that I had succeeded in changing. But I forgot to tell you the other part of the story – all the things that I’m not quite up to speed with yet. I was confronted with one in particular today and it was difficult to challenge. So thanks for letting me share it with you!
A & R were going to be home at lunchtime today – that was the plan anyway. However, plans fell through and I got a text message at 1:30 from A saying they would still be an hour and a half. That meant lunch had to be consumed alone and right away I felt the familiar rise of panic in my stomach – the fight or flight response. I ate lunch, but cried my way through it.
So we know that I can’t:
– Eat meals alone without a fair amount of warning.
– Drink soft drinks, go out for ice cream or drink full cream milk.
– Eat when I feel like eating. It’s still mechanical eating, and I suspect it will be for awhile yet.
– Eat “extras” – things that aren’t in my meal plan. Makes me panic.
– Overeat – or go outside of the normal structure.
But I am going to give myself credit – these days, I eat. I don’t throw up food. I don’t binge. I don’t overexercise. I think I’ve made a lot of progress! Last Friday, J and I burnt my giant skeleton poster. It was kind of symbolic and fun actually – no more idolising bones. No more craving skinny. I’ll keep my body as it is.
And in other news again – I really need to buy film for my camera! Keen to get some sweet photos such assss:
And to sum everything up: I am recovering. I will be back to normal one day. It’s a slow climb back from the pit of an eating disorder but (Indian accent needed here) – “I can dooooo eeet!”