“A teen trying to hide bulimia from (his) parents may wear baggy clothes to hide (his) changing body.”
The same can be said for the anoretic. I stopped wearing nice clothes – I wore my daggy track suit pants, big jumpers and loose clothing – primarily to hide weight loss and because I didn’t want people to think the arms that I saw in the mirror as being fat, were actually fat. This is becoming less and less of an issue for me. I wore tights and big jumpers for the majority of this year, much to the dismay of my mother anytime I saw her. Occasionally I would wear a pair of jeans with the jumper, but feel disgusted at the size of my legs. Yesterday I wore a pretty dress to church – and that is one of my long-term goals. To not feel like I have to hide my body all the time. That it’s alright to wear a t-shirt and not feel self-conscious about my arms. That it’s irrelevant if my thighs touch when I walk. To think that others aren’t wandering around judging me based on whether or not my hips are too wide. Recovering from an eating disorder means finding freedom in all aspects of ones life – socially, physically, psychologically and emotionally.
I had a coffee with a good friend this morning (who, might I mention, stood up to get a glass of water and smashed glass everywhere in the cafe. Had a few stares after that one). I was wearing a dress that I haven’t worn in a long time which shows more of my arms than I would like it to, but changed 5 minutes before I was supposed to meet my friend. I can’t bear feeling uncomfortable yet – but that’s what this is all about. Learning to say “This is an uncomfortable feeling or emotion but nothing bad is going to happen and I will be okay.”
I wish I had worn that dress out this morning. I think I’m a bit of a coward really. But I won’t beat myself up about it. Perhaps next time, I will wear a dress that I feel uncomfortable in. I need to make myself feel uncomfortable. I need to break through these comfort zones.
Comfort zones are the barriers that hold us back – and none of us really want that, do we?