Some things never change…
But a lot does, particularly in a year. Somehow, one begins to eat normally again. One stops fearing food. One stops making themself throw up. One gains required weight and somehow learns to feel okay about it. She learns to enjoy food. She stops stressing about her weight 24/7. She stops biting her nails. Food is no longer classed as good or bad. She stops measuring things – measuring food, her body … She stops weighing herself every day. She somehow summons the courage to tell her brother she has an eating disorder. One week later, she tells her mother.
You read it here people! I went out with Mum today and as we were driving along I said: “Last year … did you know I had eating problems?”
The conversation went from there.
Real courage is this: using a tablespoon when every fibre of your being is scared of the consequences. It’s taking a breath and telling someone you have an eating disorder and want to help others. It’s saying “I feel mad/angry/sad”. It’s being honest. Bravery is doing the right thing, even though it’s hard. It’s wearing a dress and not caring what others think about your shape or weight. It’s feeling okay about yourself, and not conforming to what the world says you should be like. Bravery is in you and in me – we just suppress it far too often.
In the past, I’ve talked myself down a lot. Always telling myself I was stupid or fat or ugly – something negative anyway. I’m not. I’m brave. I don’t care if that sounds narcissistic or stupid, because it’s the truth. And I think maybe I’m not an awful person like I used to think. That I have a purpose in life and living, and that is to continue to live in and for Christ day by day, each day, for the rest of my life.
And I will.