On Saturday night, I went with L and A up to Newtown to ‘Jazz in the Graveyard’ at R’s church. It was cool. We had dinner (a very late dinner) at a pub nearby and gelato for dessert (hokey pokey flavour). It was a new thing for me. And a big deal. Pub meals are just huge in general, and thus frightening. Plus the whole eating out thing is still a little scary too. Then dessert! The last time I went out for ice cream was when I attended the day program in Sydney and we really had no choice in it. So it was probably a brave night, overall.
The thing for me is that if someone doesn’t confirm it was good or brave, I start to second-guess myself a little. Or the eating disordered thoughts start creeping into my head, to be precise. Thoughts like “you really shouldn’t have eaten that” – ie, feelings of guilt.
So I’m wondering when I’ll get beyond that. When these things will become second nature. When I’ll give up control of that area of my life and say “no, the eating disorder is no longer a part of my life” and just let go of it. Because the longer I hold onto the whole “please recognise my bravery” thing, the longer the ED hangs around. I don’t think I’m quite there – but I am working on it, be assured.
I’m not one to take risks. I like knowing what’s going to happen. I hate feeling uncomfortable emotions. My eating disorder provided this a lot of comfort – didn’t have to feel things, do things, I could organise things … but life isn’t like that. Life is chaotic. Things happen that you don’t expect. The eating disordered expectation of this neat and tidy life is irrational and absurd. So I’m trying to work on being spontaneous and it’s hard and difficult and I figure the struggle through it will not be comfortable in the slightest. But still, I’m willing.
Ate a nashi pear after lunch. It was tremendous.
So today, I’ve been risky. Done a few brave things, I think. Hoping people think they’re brave too, so I can be 100% certain that it’s good.
And soon I am going to drink a cup of coffee and do something spontaneous. Like … fly to Melbourne.
Needing a change of scenery.