A few months back, I started writing a book. It was more for my benefit really, a memoir of sorts so that I could accurately recall this last year. I wrote near 30, 000 words and then I thought I had finished so I stopped. Except I hadn’t finished. Clearly, there is still a lot more left to write because God hasn’t finished writing my story yet.
And plus, a lot more of my recovery has occurred – I’m a lot better, and I am therefore probably in a better position to rationally reflect on the last few years. So I am mostly writing this to gauge whether this book is something worth continuing and share a little snippet of it with you 🙂
” It’s hard for me to know where to start. How far back should I take you? Perhaps it is essential for me to briefly skim over my childhood. I was born in Nowra, NSW Australia on the 6th of October to William and Joanne McAlinden. I have a [brother], called Luke. My childhood started there – Dad was in the Navy and I therefore went to the preschool on the Navy Base where he worked. We moved around a bit, being a Navy family and all, and I started my schooling life from year 1 onwards in Toowoomba, Queensland. Life was reasonably normal, from memory. I use the word ‘reasonably’ because many of my memories from that time are food focused, which is clearly abnormal but I am sure quite common for those with eating disorders! I used to sneak lollies here and there. I refused to have milk in my cereal because “it tasted funny”, I’ve sat at the dinner table refusing to eat chicken stirfry. I’ve won an Easter raffle and stuffed my face with chocolate and felt guilty. I used to steal chocolate topping from the cupboard and drink it straight. I made chocolate icing when I was sad and ate the whole bowl. I licked the flavour of every single chicken Shape, and then threw the actual biscuits out. I’m not sure why all of these memories are so prominent in my mind. There is the possibility that these were learned behaviours, things I had observed others around me also doing, but there is no history of any eating disorders in my family. To my knowledge, I am the first.”
Mostly, it’s reflections upon how my eating disorder came to be, how I was throughout my eating disorder, how I am scrambling back up from that and the (very major!) part my relationship with God has played in it all. I think it’s maybe interesting? And could be useful for others who are recovering from eating disorders themselves. I think a lot of people have their own individual stories to share and far too often we shy back because we think others will be judgemental or think differently of us. If my story could help just one person, then I think it’s a worthwhile thing to share.
And that’s my first ramble for this weekend.