Ranting and Raving.

I apologise. This shall be one big frustrated blog. If you don’t care for an eating disordered ramble on this sunny Friday afternoon, then please avert your eyes.

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C and I had a slight dispute today about the fact that I wanted to eat soup for dinner. Apparently, it’s “not enough to maintain a well, healthy and functioning body”.

So I was pretty mad about that. Mad because I’ve been learning for the past few months how to eat the RIGHT amount. Not over-eat or under-eat – but to eat a variety of foods from different food groups and how to maintain my weight. And in doing that, the focus has been taken off food and off weight. Until C mentioned that today. And I know that normal people eat soup for dinner. So why can’t I?

I know what my body needs, and I am the one who is responsible for giving it just that. No one else is in a position where they need to tell me what to eat or not to eat. I have no intentions of letting someone else control what foods I eat, or the amounts of those foods that I eat. I just don’t want to go there again. Because that gives my eating disorder a foothold and it decides “you know what? Stuff you. I’ll eat what I please, and that will be nothing”. And no. I’m not going there.

So I’m kind of stuck between a brick wall and a hard place. And I’m not really sure what to do from here on in. I just want to escape for a little while, in all honesty. As much as eating disorders thrive on rigidity, I’m sick of it.

Any advice is welcome.

Love Rebekah XXXX

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10 thoughts on “Ranting and Raving.

  1. Have patience my love. Like you said, normal people eat soup, it only becomes a problem if this is all we eat. Same goes for salads etc, and you should be able to eat both these things. Just try and remember that the comment was made in love, and although it was not well delivered you do have the right to lovingly observe that normal people eat this way too. Anyone who cares to watch you closely enough should have confidence in your healthy eating and your efforts so far! Take heart my dear. Love and prayers as always!

    • Thank you! I think one of the issues for me too is that I don’t really know C all that well, she goes to the 8am service at our church (whereas I go to 10am / 7pm) so she doesn’t know my history as well as some others and being older doesn’t understand it fully anyway. And the other thing that gets me is that I’ve learnt that I don’t necessarily eat the exact same amounts of food everyday – so like you said, soup would only be an issue if you had it all the time – and that would be abnormal.
      Argh, I feel bad for ranting about this. It’s that awkward position between seeming ungrateful and trying to maintain good patterns. X

  2. Well my lovely Bek….I am going to disagree with C.

    Many, many people eat healthy, filling soups for dinner. It is actually one of my favorite meals. A hearty bowl of beef vegetable, split pea with ham or chicken noodle stocked full of veggies and a piece of bread with REAL butter (margarine is full of “fake” stuff – get butter!) I adore, especially as it gets colder here in Chicago.

    Your walk away from your ED has you listening to your body and respecting the TRUTH.

    I say if you want a healthy soup eat it! Emphasis of course on healthy, not a watered down can.

    of which i am not a fan
    XO

  3. I think it might be helpful to explain this to C, perhaps in writing if it will be easier. It sounds like she doesn’t know how concerned she needs to be about your health, which is understandable considering you just moved in there. She might just need some reassurance that you’re doing well enough to make your own decisions about what to eat for dinner. It might help to mention what you wrote here a few days ago, about eating a little bit extra on a day you know you got more exercise than usual. It seems like you’ve struck a balance between monitoring your intake enough without monitoring it too much.

    • I talked to L & A about it yesterday (in an uptight and ranty manner!) and I reckon C will probably talk to L about it because she’s like that and is probably just concerned. I know she has good motives and all, but that suppression of my control over food has my eating disorder kicking up a storm. I did tell her I ate extra supper the other night after I swam, but she’s often talking about how bad sugar is and how she needs to lose some weight and how bread it bad for you yadah yadah yadahhhh. It’s difficult in that too because I’ve been trying to avoid the whole “good food / bad food” thing.

      So much frustration!

  4. I can understand the frustrations of scrutiny, especially when you aren’t (for once!) making decisions from your eating disordered part of the brain. I’ve been in recovery for about a year and a half, yet my family still criticizes what I’m eating and whether it’s enough. It’s irritating but what helps me to keep my frustration under control is to remember how much I’ve scared them, hurt them through my ED, and how they are coming from a place of concern and love. Then I see that what originally felt like overbearing control is really them still a little bit scared about losing me.

    (Although, I do agree with Susan that a hearty soup is definitely adequate for a meal!)

    Best of luck, be well!

    • I guess I worry that the longer OTHER people hold onto my eating disorder, the longer I will hold onto it. I think that could potentially draw recovery out for longer than it needs to be.

      I think it’s different when the person doesn’t know you all that well too (like C and I barely know each other, so her suspicions aren’t really coming from any solid experiences).
      Last night I had dinner with L & A (who are the people I’ve lived with all year) and we had take-away – fish and chips and I drank the first can of coke that I’ve had in about 3 years (!!!) – anyway, I felt sick so was in the bathroom awhile and A didn’t think I would be purging, but came to check anyway because me + long visit to the bathroom = A stressing a lot. And I’m okay by that because I know it is done out of care and concern and because he’s experienced being on one side of the bathroom door and feeling helpless about it all.

      Epic, epic sentences right there! So sorry for rambling.

      I think my point is, I can appreciate A & L’s efforts, particularly when they have put up with my ED all year and I understand their concern. C is just a little overwhelming at the moment.

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