the awkward moment when rebekah thinks she may actually be relapsing.

Not completely. But Good Friday was a tough day, admittedly! The ED poked its little head out in a way it hasn’t in a long while and I was a bit of a stress-head all day. It was one of those “I can list everything I’ve eaten today because it feels like far too much and I’m going to walk the dog for just a little extra because I feel ridiculously awful” and a “Crap, I’m actually really considering purging right now and the last few months of progress might actually really be wasted if I do that” days.

Not joking, I was seriously frustrated with myself. Like I said, it’s been a long while!

I think I was most mad at myself because this whole weekend is so not about me. It’s all about Jesus! And God’s love and sacrifice and forgiveness and power over death and awesomeness. So yeah. The ED makes me hugely selfish.

It’s also not even about all the food I ate. And it’s seriously completely impossible for my arms to have grown hugely throughout the day. That doesn’t happen to anyone else, and I’m nothing special really so I doubt that could magically happen to me.  I’ve been trying to think what might have triggered the food stress, but I can’t really pin-point anything. I think I just genuinely have no idea how people overeat on holidays and I wasn’t heaps keen, but then if I didn’t then I was being eating disordered! Catch 22 right there. Plus I know I’m so OCD and rigid-like, that deviating from the norm can be a little stressful sometimes too.

So yeah – how was your weekend? Even if it wasn’t food related, what were its ups and downs? What does Easter mean to you?

Love, Bee X

6 thoughts on “the awkward moment when rebekah thinks she may actually be relapsing.

  1. Hey Bek –

    Easter means to me that our Lord walked this earth and suffered a horrific death for us!! It also means that He has purposely put wonderful people in my life. . .like you! I know that I have times when I need to remind myself that being I believe that Jesus is my Lord, I also believe that Satan is the dark one, who creeps his way into my life and tells me at times that I am not worthy of GOOD!!

    I pray him away as we all should!

  2. I think it’s important to remember that even if you HAD purged it wouldn’t mean the last few months of progress were wasted. Not at all. Purging was an unhealthy coping mechanism, and sometimes these things do rear their ugly little heads when we have triggers. It doesn’t have to mean that we’re right back where we were.

    In the last few weeks I found myself returning to a couple of VERY unhealthy coping behaviours (non-ED related) that I haven’t been near in about 8 years. In one way it was devastating, but in a weird kind of way it was also helpful, because I could see much more clearly that they ARE just a coping mechanism. And I could (after much reflection) see what the triggers were and why this happened. I never had that insight when I was stuck right in the middle of it all 8 years ago. It was also helpful to realise that sometimes we will return to these behaviours even after a really long time… but it turns out it’s not the end of the world. It’s a blip, and it’s not fun when it happens, but we pick ourselves up, learn what we can from it and move on.

    Also, God totally gets where you’re at, and he doesn’t mind if you weren’t in an Easter frame of mind. He’d rather have you (us) with all our cracks and broken places than not have us at all.

    • No, you’re right. I wouldn’t have been back where I was. I think the thing for me is that I’ve actually had a ridiculously good / atypical recovery period: I haven’t had many steps back at all. A few here and there, but nothing major. So I expect a lot of myself in that regard. Does that make sense? Like, I’m more likely to beat myself up for it.

      Your last paragraph was my favourite. You’re so very right – I’m God’s, regardless of my messes.

      ❤ Thank you Xo.

      • Ha, yes, I get that. I had a very atypical recovery from other destructive patterns of behaviour and I think over time I may have become a little too confident. So when the steps backwards eventually happened I was super hard on myself. “How could this happen to ME?? I was doing so brilliantly!” But apparently, I am human, and as weak and broken as everyone else.

        I must confess I stole the last bit from Sy Rogers – check it out: The Angel Story. I come back to this and watch it when I’m feeling down on myself.

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