I’ve probably said it before, but heck – I’ll say it again: eating disorders can be really, really lonely, and really, really isolating. Just the fear of being around people who might notice you’ve lost weight, who might make you eat something, or being around food that you will be tempted to binge on – it’s enough to make any anoretic, bulimic or eating disordered individual want to stay home. And it’s the last eight or nine months, while I’ve been recovery focused, I’ve learnt that one has to rediscover what it’s like to be social all over again. And sometimes it can be scary. Sometimes overwhelming. Sometimes triggering. But as the months go by and you slowly start to get better, being social again becomes easier.Maybe you’ll be eight months in recovery and have one of those days where you just get weighed down with this sense of sadness. Or fall back into that old pattern of ditching parties because being around people and food and things that are unfamiliar is way too scary. It doesn’t have to equal a full on relapse though. Somehow along the recovery path we have to learn to be patient with ourselves – not expect too much of ourselves, not beat ourselves up if a meal freaks us out or we pike out of something or we don’t eat an extra square of chocolate or we go for an extra walk. Recovery isn’t a “walk in the park” (oh how clichés hurt my heart) and it has its ups and downs (oh the pain!) but the determination the individual has to get through those tough times will prevail in the end!
I’m so rambly and tired and wired up on cookie chocolate.
ANYWAY today was a weird, quiet, independent-ey, alone-ish day. Told A & L I was feeling weirdly sad and A suggested a walk. So at 5:30, I grabbed my ipod, put on my squirrel jumper and went walking down at Werri. Sang Garage Hymnal songs loudly. Picked dandelions and blew them fervently like a five-year old. Walked on my hands down the path. Swung very high on a swing in the dark. Found a shell and brought it home. Turns out this afternoon I was craving some mothering and I did it myself really. Hooray.
Point is – recovery is the best thing you can be doing, even if it sometimes feels like the worst. When I first started recovering, someone told me it would be the hardest thing I would ever do, until I had children. Appreciate that comment. So: recovery is hard. Sometimes relapsing will be appealing because it’s easier, in so many ways – and so familiar, not so scary. Sometimes recovery really sucks. SO if you’re the eating disordered type or a friend of an ED sufferer or just reading this because you’re keen bean to know more about EDs – please be a little gentler on yourself. Stop letting the perfectionist side of your brain take over. Be aware of the eating disorders wish to drag you back under.
And then hold your head high and keep on recovering.