Change.

Eating disorders hate change. As long as everything is the same, everything is okay. As long as I can control the amount of food that I eat and it’s the same, it’s okay. As long as I do as much exercise as I possibly can, everything is all good. Eating disorders are a routine, a habit. They’re a compulsion And often it’s difficult to see a way out of the routine when it’s all you know.

The thing is this: change is possible. I used to think that recovery wasn’t possible because my brain wouldn’t let me think it was possible. My brain didn’t want to change, it was quite happy with its little routine it had going on, thank you very much. So I couldn’t change because my brain wouldn’t let me think that I could. Bear with me. This post may be quite rambly, but hopefully I articulate the necessary things.

Last year when I was an outpatient at RPA, we went up to Sydney for an appointment and stopped at Miranda Fair on the way home. S and I were walking ahead of A and L and I suddenly just started crying and S asked me why and I told him I didn’t want to change, and that I was too scared to change. And he replied something along the lines of “you’ll be okay yada yada yada blah blah”. Something like that. Anyway, he was right. But that was the moment when my brain realised that I was going to change and it couldn’t do anything about it. Changing eating disordered behaviours was difficult for my brain, because it was how it had learnt to cope and without that coping mechanism, it just went into panic mode. Interesting stuff, eh? The brain is a clever thing.

The thing is that you can’t change overnight. The brain really wouldn’t cope with that at all. But change can be gradual, and it’s okay that it is. I’ve made so much change, but it has been over many months. Like, you know … now I eat food and don’t throw up and I don’t overexercise and I don’t take laxatives and I never restrict and my whole life isn’t about losing as much weight as I can anymore. And I don’t wear trackie pants and big baggy jumpers all the time anymore because I’m not as self-conscious as I  used to be. I’m much better at communicating with people. I cook for myself. I now live alone – who would have ever thought that could have happened?! I’ve gone from being ridiculously dependant on people to being somewhat independent. It’s obviously still a work in progress, but we’re headed in the right direction. Now I can be trusted to live by myself and feed myself and not do crazy amounts of exercise at stupid hours of the morning and not weigh my food and not restrict and not purge … Seriously, all the change blows my mind.

The best part is that I know so well that God has brought so, so much good out of this all. He brought me to it, and He brought me through it! Brought is such a strange word. Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought Brought.

Weird.

Rambling.

Off to go about my day now.

And I hope your day is extremely lovely.

P.S – Challenge: what’s something you need to change in your life? Why haven’t you? What’s so scary about it? And is it really bigger than you are that you really truly cannot tackle it? Is it really that overwhelming? Don’t let the fear of change be the thing that stops you from changing.

P.P.S – I know I haven’t written a great deal lately, but it’s because I have been moving! Soon I shall write a little more regularly. I have high intentions of starting something I like to call an ‘Alphabet Series’ in which I go through the whole alphabet and blog things such as ‘A is for Anorexia’, ‘P is for Purging’, ‘R is for Recovered (!!!)’ etc. Watch this space, it could be fun. And if you have any suggestions for it, feel free to pop over to my ‘Alphabet Series’ page and leave a comment.

Love, Rebekah xxxx

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5 thoughts on “Change.

  1. Familiarity is a powerful thing – when we are lost, hurt or troubled we often return to those things around you that feel ‘familiar’. Even though they might not be the best thing for you (particularly if the ‘familiar’ thing is a place of unhealthy idolisation), it is what we do – we feel safe there, comfortable and at home, particularly if it is all we have ever known. The familiarity confirms our existence.

    Change is hard, as you know, and Peter Skrzynecki showed clearly in year 11 english that change ALWAYS results in loss. This is notable.

    But so often we go running back into the things we need to change from, the ‘familiar’ things we need to break away from – even though they are the source of our pain and struggles in the first place. Basically, we are telling ourselves it is easier to go through that struggle and pain, than it is to change. This is a fallacy, and something we shouldn’t let ourselves believe. Change is hard, and although it always results in loss of one form of another, it also results in new growth, that catapults you into a world of freedom, away from the restrictions of your past struggles.

    • You always leave such deep comments that I never know how to reply.. I really do appreciate them / you though. I also think you’re ridiculously correct, especially the part about the fact that we tell ourselves that it’s easier to struggle than to change. So untrue. But it’s the fear of the unknown, the fear of feeling, the fear of emotion. I think that’s what holds us back.

    • True that. I just don’t understand why it scares us so much; why familiarity is so nice and why change is something to be feared. It makes no logical sense, really X

  2. Pingback: T is for Thankfulness | R is for Recovery (and Rebekah)

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