Facts VS. Feelings (and a pinch of writers block)

I’ve tried to make this blog as straightforward, honest and truthful as I possibly can. I don’t always write here if I’m struggling in a particular eating disordered way, but often I do. That has become something that I have done less and less lately – a good thing, really – particularly as I continue my recovery. In fact, I’m pretty much recovered, I’d say. I still have an aversion to white bread and this morning I had porridge for breakfast instead of raisin toast because the only raisin toast in the freezer was the cafe style one which has more calories and scares me – but perhaps next time I’ll opt for that just to prove that I really can.

But other than that, these slip ups are less and less and they generally only come to the surface when I’m stressed about something – like moving, or relationship matters or college – I really am much, much better than I was this time last year.

I always get ideas for blog posts at the strangest of times. While I’m walking down George St in the rain, for example. Or when I’m in the shower (where all good ideas occur, let’s be honest here). Perhaps even when I’m supposed to be writing an essay – then I ditch the essay writing for some good ol’ quality blogging. But the thing is, those ideas have been less and less lately. I feel a bit bad about it really – like maybe I owe you all an apology for my lack of communication in recent times. I hope this blog is something that I continue to do for a long time – that is, sharing my experiences so that others are able to understand, learn, be aware and (if necessary) ultimately come to their own discovery of their self-worth in their recovery.

I started writing a blog post earlier. It was about the fear of failure and how it can be dangerous –ย  we either bust our gut to succeed or we don’t even bother, just in case we fail. And whilst it’s an essential topic to look at when we’re talking about eating disorder recovery, today my brain just didn’t want to write about it. What my brain does want to talk about is this: it’s okay to feel afraid. It’s okay to fear the future. I think we spend all our time beating ourselves up for feeling things we think we shouldn’t be feeling, that we don’t just allow ourselves to feel them and say “that’s okay and I’m okay and I will be okay and the future will be okay.” It’s okay to feel scared about never recovering. It’s okay to feel scared that you may be left to do this alone and may have no support. It’s okay to feel afraid of being forgotten. However, it isnot okay to believe that this feeling is the truth. We need to be able to distinguish between facts and feelings. We may feel that something will happen, but more often than not it isn’t the reality. We can feel afraid that we will never recover, but heck – we probably will. I had those fears 12 months ago and look at me today! Our fears aren’t always logical or accurate – but it’s right and good to acknowledge them and their presence and begin to speak to ourselves in truths.

I’m not going to lie – sometimes I do feel afraid. Sometimes the fear of the unknown catches in my throat a little and I almost forget how to breathe. Often, I try to guess what others are thinking of me and it has such a negative effect that my anxieties go through the roof. I’m not perfect. I’m not quite better. But I’m working on it.

That’s all we can do, right? Work on it. Stop backing down because of your fear of change. Stop letting the feeling overrule the fact.

There’s our perception, and there’s God’s reality. And His reality wins every time.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.ย For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Love, Rebekah.


9 thoughts on “Facts VS. Feelings (and a pinch of writers block)

  1. Re: writer’s block, remember it’s also okay to write about day to day stuff and what’s happening in your life. It doesn’t always have to be directly educational – and part of recovery is about learning to LIVE and enjoy normal stuff. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I agree, when it comes to facts and feelings, feelings will trip you up every time. I’m constantly having these discussions in my head. “Oh, that person didn’t talk to me after church. They must be upset with me.” Really? Is there any evidence of that, other than the way you feel and your fear that people don’t like you? Um, no.

    Also, cafe style raisin toast is just wrong. Quite aside from any calorie fears, it’s totally the wrong size. One slice is not enough, two slices is too much (unless I’m particularly ravenous). Craziness. I don’t approve. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • Ah, I know it’s silly of me but I do worry about how people will perceive some things I post here. I guess that’s why I’m wary of sharing stuff that isn’t particularly educational.

      Definitely agree re the raisin toast. Two can be okay, but you really do have to be in the mood for it.

      • Ah yes, fair enough. I just noticed that a lot of your earlier posts were more about how you were feeling, and little triumphs of ED recovery. They were happy posts; I enjoyed them. ๐Ÿ™‚ (I enjoy these ones too, I hasten to add!)

      • Yeah, you’re right. I guess the aim of my blog changed as I continued writing – at the start it was me getting through recovery and now I almost am through recovery and now it’s like I have nothing to say! Pretty poor effort really. Some of my eating disorder memories are going away too – I know it’s a good thing but I still want to help people based on my experiences!

    • Well said Sue Ellen. . how about just WHAT Bek is doing, what are her plans for the future, does she have a boyfriend, if so, how does she interact with him in a healthy way. . .

      and a lot more our Bek can say!!

  2. You don’t need to apologise for anything hon. Quality over quantity, coming from me, the girl who totally spams her blog ha. I do it more because I am alone, my blog has become a coping mechanism when I struggle there’s no one in my life that understands this stuff [other than lovely bloggers like you]. Ideally, I would love to have more educated, lovely smiley comicky arty posts, and I am hoping that’s what my blog turns into in the future, like when I’m at the stage you are.
    Although I’m not religious, I’m really glad you have your faith. Although I chant on about science, most of my family are religious and I see how it benefits them.
    Oh and I totally agree with the it’s okay to be afraid thing. Being afraid of something and doing it anyway always makes you feel stronger when you have done it.
    Hugs x

    • I love this comment, thank you so much. I have absolutely no doubts that one day your blog will turn into that in the future – and heck, where it is now is perfectly okay. I understand though that you’re using that as a marker of how well you are. And I have no doubt that you will continue to get better, from the sounds of things you’ve been doing pretty amazingly! We know that there are ups and downs in recovery but obviously the main aim is to keep pushing forwards – and you are. Be strong and courageous! Xo.

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