I’ve tried to make this blog as straightforward, honest and truthful as I possibly can. I don’t always write here if I’m struggling in a particular eating disordered way, but often I do. That has become something that I have done less and less lately – a good thing, really – particularly as I continue my recovery. In fact, I’m pretty much recovered, I’d say. I still have an aversion to white bread and this morning I had porridge for breakfast instead of raisin toast because the only raisin toast in the freezer was the cafe style one which has more calories and scares me – but perhaps next time I’ll opt for that just to prove that I really can.
But other than that, these slip ups are less and less and they generally only come to the surface when I’m stressed about something – like moving, or relationship matters or college – I really am much, much better than I was this time last year.
I always get ideas for blog posts at the strangest of times. While I’m walking down George St in the rain, for example. Or when I’m in the shower (where all good ideas occur, let’s be honest here). Perhaps even when I’m supposed to be writing an essay – then I ditch the essay writing for some good ol’ quality blogging. But the thing is, those ideas have been less and less lately. I feel a bit bad about it really – like maybe I owe you all an apology for my lack of communication in recent times. I hope this blog is something that I continue to do for a long time – that is, sharing my experiences so that others are able to understand, learn, be aware and (if necessary) ultimately come to their own discovery of their self-worth in their recovery.
I started writing a blog post earlier. It was about the fear of failure and how it can be dangerous – we either bust our gut to succeed or we don’t even bother, just in case we fail. And whilst it’s an essential topic to look at when we’re talking about eating disorder recovery, today my brain just didn’t want to write about it. What my brain does want to talk about is this: it’s okay to feel afraid. It’s okay to fear the future. I think we spend all our time beating ourselves up for feeling things we think we shouldn’t be feeling, that we don’t just allow ourselves to feel them and say “that’s okay and I’m okay and I will be okay and the future will be okay.” It’s okay to feel scared about never recovering. It’s okay to feel scared that you may be left to do this alone and may have no support. It’s okay to feel afraid of being forgotten. However, it isnot okay to believe that this feeling is the truth. We need to be able to distinguish between facts and feelings. We may feel that something will happen, but more often than not it isn’t the reality. We can feel afraid that we will never recover, but heck – we probably will. I had those fears 12 months ago and look at me today! Our fears aren’t always logical or accurate – but it’s right and good to acknowledge them and their presence and begin to speak to ourselves in truths.
I’m not going to lie – sometimes I do feel afraid. Sometimes the fear of the unknown catches in my throat a little and I almost forget how to breathe. Often, I try to guess what others are thinking of me and it has such a negative effect that my anxieties go through the roof. I’m not perfect. I’m not quite better. But I’m working on it.
That’s all we can do, right? Work on it. Stop backing down because of your fear of change. Stop letting the feeling overrule the fact.
There’s our perception, and there’s God’s reality. And His reality wins every time.
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18