T is for Thankfulness

I’m pretty sure I’ve written a blog post about thankfulness before. I’ve also written a post on ‘Small Things’ that I had achieved back in November last year that I was feeling pretty pleased about. But I feel the need to write yet another post today on thankfulness because a) we can’t ever run out of things to be thankful for and b) this is my 100th blog post (Yay!) and c) today I feel very, very thankful for lots and lots and lots of things and hope to share them with you.

– I’m almost 8 months purge free. EIGHT MONTHS. That is a long time, my friends. I am hugely thankful for that.

– Today, with a few deadlines looming next week, I took the time out to wander up to the headland, lay on the grass, crank my iPod and sing very loudly. The sky was very blue and very big and the sun was warm and lovely. I don’t know if anyone walked past and heard me singing and frankly, I don’t really care. No self-consciousness allowed here! My arms now have an epic grass rash on them, but it was certainly the most delightful way to spend an assignment break.

I USED TO BE SCARED OF FULL CREAM MILK. No, really. I had this entirely full on, big, irrational fear of full cream milk. Then I discovered how tasty full cream milk was. THEN I had to decide if it was worth the extra kilojoules. THEN I concluded that it actually didn’t matter – if I liked full cream milk in my coffee, then that was certainly okay. I didn’t need permission to drink it. SO, I am rather pleased to be able to tell you that I haven’t willingly had skim milk in the last 8 months either. In fact, I feel a little sad when skim is the only available option. And that is certainly an achievement indeed.

I have changed. I don’t binge eat or purge or restrict my food intake. I thought I couldn’t change. My eating disorder didn’t want me to change. I certainly wanted to change, but I didn’t even know where to begin. Last June, I had lunch with L&A and R&S for R’s birthday. A said I could have whatever I wanted at the cafe – and there was no pressure to eat it all either. I went for the easy option. Salad. Without the salad dressing. But of course, out it came with salad dressing all over it. I cried my way through the salad, feeling enormously guilty for not being able to just forget about the eating disorder for just once, just for one occasion. In contrast to this, last week I bought a roasted pumpkin salad for lunch and when I was asked if I wanted balsamic vinegar, I nodded rather eagerly.

The eating disorder no longer dictates what I do … and it no longer dictates what I like.

– I am thankful for food. And life. And living. I am thankful that the eating disorder did not take my life – because it very easily could have done so.

– I am thankful for a body that works; that moves and reacts and protects … I am thankful that I now look after and treat my body well.

– I am thankful for a healthy mind. A brain that works efficiently because I now feed it adequately. A brain that can recall, do crosswords and write essays. A brain that can articulate ideas and emotions – essentially, I am thankful that I can now express myself through language, rather than through the destruction of my body.

– I am thankful for FREEDOM. To live without rules dictating my every action in the context of exercise and food. I am thankful that I can eat and ENJOY food. I never thought I would be able to enjoy food without feeling immeasurably guilty. I am so, so thankful that my eating disorder had it wrong this whole time.

– Mostly, I am thankful for God’s truths. For His faithfulness. For His grace. That I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That He is bringing so much good out of the darkness. Thankful that I am no longer afraid of the darkness because I know full well how much bigger God is than any of it. And overwhelmingly thankful that NOTHING, absolutely nothing at all, can separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39). No, not even an eating disorder. Not even my own inadequacy or my own weakness. So thankful to know that God is sovereign and over it all.

I’d love to know what YOU are thankful for on this beautiful day.

 

Love,

Bek Xo.

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “T is for Thankfulness

  1. Thank you so much for your wisdom and truth. God IS good and I too am thankful for the light that he brings forth from the darkness of fighting ED.

  2. God is good! I loved this post. Even though I have been healed for many years I still am overwhelmed with thanksgiving for the freedom to enjoy God, myself and food. What a precious gift healing is. Bless you for glorifying our Lord! ~ Wendy

  3. Just found your blog and I was delighted to find someone putting everything, including an ed, under the rule of Christ. Nothing can separate us from God’s love, true!! Thank you for writing and sharing your story. God is giving me nudges to share parts of mine…He is faithful and loving always!

  4. Pingback: T is for Thankfulness | meghan in zambia

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s