It appears to me that you’re in a tough place, again. Just when it seemed you had at last escaped the clutches of the wretched eating disorder, the thing that took so much from your life, the thing that stripped everything and everyone you love from you … It seems it has turned up again, unannounced, unexpected and unwelcome.
I have so much to remind you of, sweet one. Of how far you’ve come. Of how much has changed. Yes indeed, there have been hard days. There are times when you still think you might have eaten too much that day or a particular outfit makes you look larger or when you’ve gone for an extra stroll around the block because you ate more than usual. Perhaps you’ve still been rigid about some things – eating regularly, or having safe foods or attempting to eat less than others. But look at you – thinking clearly, feeding your body because your body deserves to be fed and looked after because it is PRECIOUS and VALUABLE. As are you, and you know that.
Look at you, making wise decisions and being independent. You have done amazingly, so amazingly … and I’m so proud of you and all that you’ve achieved.
But like I said, you’ve somehow found yourself here again. This is more than just a bad day, more than just a bad week. This is a bigger relapse than anticipated, this is a place of familiarity and comfort and safety. This is a place where hunger is biting and you feel so damn in control. It’s not that you particularly want to lose weight, really. You just want to focus on something else. Not have to think. Escape all that shit thatyouneedtodealwithbutdon’tquiteknowhowto.
Despite feeling in control, you also feel tired. Exhausted, in fact. Right? And alone? And afraid and sad and dizzy and worthless. You feel all of these things but you don’t know how to fix it. You feel as if you have to start all over again. You’re afraid people will think you have no self-control, that you need to be smaller. That you need to eat less. You’re afraid to have an appetite, afraid to just be.
Please, let me encourage you. Think about how long the eating disorder has been a part of your life. A year? Two? Ten? A long time, regardless. And let me remind you of this: recovery will take a while too. More than a year. Perhaps many years. Perhaps forever. And let me tell you THIS: that’s okay. You’re not perfect. None of us are. We are broken, hurting individuals sometimes. It’s okay to reach out to others when you’re struggling. You’re not super human. You can cry and just be human sometimes, that’s okay. It’s understandable that along the way you’ll take a few steps backwards. The journey is a struggle sometimes and we want to be here to support you and love you, we really do. Please let us.
And please, please, PLEASE do not forget how infinitely valuable you are.