If you know me well or read my blog every now and then, you’ll probably know that at the beginning of December, after a wee bit of a trigger, I somehow slipped back into my eating disordered ways. A shock, to say the least – but to be expected, given that recovery from an eating disorder will never, ever be entirely straightforward – something I’ve been preaching for a little while now.
So today after setting a meal plan with my dietitian, I realised that again, something has to change and that again, I need to start the slow climb back up to being well. And healthy. And to be honest with you guys, I really, really miss apricot pie. And many other delicious foods.
So how does one do that, exactly?
Recovery happens when one chooses recovery. Recovery happens when one takes that determination to over-exercise and to lose weight and to limit their food intake and turns it into something beautiful and precious and life-changing. A determination to recover. A resolve to be well, despite the anxiety that will involve.
Just because someone falls back into their eating disorder, doesn’t mean they have to stay there. If you were trying to make a point, it’s been made. A relapse doesn’t need to last long. We don’t need to forget all the skills we learnt along the way last time we were clambering out of the eating disordered ways.
I don’t mean to say this glibly. Not at all. It’s actually ridiculously challenging. It’s something that needs to be chosen every minute of each day, just for a while. And obviously giving yourself little incentives (like the Cambodia trip I’m supposed to be going on in June) and setting yourself goals along the way are very, very helpful things to be doing.
So. Onwards and upwards, yet again. I’m not perfect and neither will this climb back up be, but I’m taking those turtle steps in the right direction, huh? And that’s one of the most significant things here.
P.S – I’m very sorry that yet again, my posts are going to turn into a thing about MY recovery rather than a toolkit for someone dealing with their own eating disorder. I hope I can still be of some use and some support. And hopefully my posts change their tune again sometime soon!