onwards & upwards

If you know me well or read my blog every now and then, you’ll probably know that at the beginning of December, after a wee bit of a trigger, I somehow slipped back into my eating disordered ways. A shock, to say the least – but to be expected, given that recovery from an eating disorder will never, ever be entirely straightforward  – something I’ve been preaching for a little while now.

So today after setting a meal plan with my dietitian, I realised that again, something has to change and that again, I need to start the slow climb back up to being well. And healthy. And to be honest with you guys, I really, really miss apricot pie. And many other delicious foods.

So how does one do that, exactly?

Recovery happens when one chooses recovery. Recovery happens when one takes that determination to over-exercise and to lose weight and to limit their food intake and turns it into something beautiful and precious and life-changing.  A determination to recover. A resolve to be well, despite the anxiety that will involve.

Just because someone falls back into their eating disorder, doesn’t mean they have to stay there. If you were trying to make a point, it’s been made. A relapse doesn’t need to last long. We don’t need to forget all the skills we learnt along the way last time we were clambering out of the eating disordered ways.

I don’t mean to say this glibly. Not at all. It’s actually ridiculously challenging. It’s something that needs to be chosen every minute of each day, just for a while. And obviously giving yourself little incentives (like the Cambodia trip I’m supposed to be going on in June) and setting yourself goals along the way are very, very helpful things to be doing.

So. Onwards and upwards, yet again. I’m not perfect and neither will this climb back up be, but I’m taking those turtle steps in the right direction, huh? And that’s one of the most significant things here.

Bek Xo.

P.S – I’m very sorry that yet again, my posts are going to turn into a thing about MY recovery rather than a toolkit for someone dealing with their own eating disorder. I hope I can still be of some use and some support. And hopefully my posts change their tune again sometime soon!

12 thoughts on “onwards & upwards

  1. Nobody’s perfect Little Roo. Refocusing your determination sounds like a good plan. This is just a little swerve, I know you will be right back on track!

  2. God is a God of hope, love, redemption, and grace. Open your heart to all of it, and keep looking to Him (onward and upward!) every time you face those seemingly little choices. I have a feeling you are blessing many people (including me) with your honesty in these struggles. Many prayers and hugs to you! –Alison

  3. love you dahling..praying for you..keep us posted.
    cambodia? you will be in my neck of the woods! Take a stop here in HK 😉 How come you’re going?

    你漂亮 = you are beautiful. one of the few things i can type/read/understand. thought it was one of the more important ones..like this one: 神就是爱 😉

    – s

  4. Your OWN story of recovery and fighting through it is just as valuable to those of us who are struggling as your attempts to write about recovery tool kits. Perhaps more so. You’re not alone.

  5. I must say that the times when I post in my blog and its all about me and my recovery, those are the posts that help others more than any tools I post. The truth and honesty of our struggles and triumphs is what pushes people through, because its reality….not some hypothetical tools. Those those are good too 🙂

  6. Hello babe, thanks for being so honest with your struggles and also willing to accept help. Thanks for being such an inspiration.
    I have a blog that is similar for pro-recovery and I hope you wouldn’t mind linking my blog. Thanks and continue staying strong 🙂

  7. Looking forward to some more inspiring posts Bek – thinking of you as I see your beautiful instagram pics. I am always here to talk if you need xxx

  8. Bek, in my experience talking openly and honestly about your own situation can be helpful to others in their own struggles. So glad you are confronting things. You have our love and support always.

  9. I think it is very helpful to share your own story. I struggle with how to share my story. I have gone pretty deep into healing after getting fed up after like 20 years..more. I don’t feel like I have to struggle anymore finally. When I started blogging to help my cousin who is struggling like I did for so long, I found I could reach her best by continuing my own work..not by having answers. I was encouraged by others to keep going from this viewpoint.
    Keep going 🙂

  10. Hi there,

    i just wanted to leave an encouragement with you! I am recently recovered from an ED as well, and the other night i nearly came close to a relapse in old behavior. I appreciate your transparency in your blog! How open you are, that you recognize your fall, and acknowledge your plan to get back up! We all have oopsies, here and there. Keep moving forward Rebekah! The Lord has great plans for you! Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. plans to give you hope and a future!

    ❤ Samantha

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