On Tuesday, I had a fairly average, tiring day. I was quite distressed by various foods that I’d eaten and as a result, had experienced a big panic attack which was incredibly frightening. I slept a lot of the afternoon after that, hoping to make the rest of the day go as quickly as it possibly could.
Anyway – that night as I was drifting off to sleep, I was enormously overwhelmed by a feeling of complete apathy. Not apathy toward recovery, but toward my eating disorder itself. I just don’t care. I don’t care that my collar bones don’t stick out as they once did, or that my thighs are bigger than what they once were. I don’t care that I’m unable to do as much exercise as I once did, and I certainly don’t care that I now eat and follow an adequate meal plan.
To some extent I DO care, but I also DON’T care, because there are things that are starting to become more important to me again. Maybe people thought I looked better at my lower weight; I don’t care. Maybe I was prettier then, or maybe I wore smaller clothes: I don’t care. Why is it relevant? It’s not relevant at all.
I’m trying to find a deep set appreciation for all of the things I want my life to be full of and trying to remind myself that continuing to engage in ED behaviours isn’t the way in which I want to live my life. I’m trying to remind myself that having a day that revolves around eating, exercising, and sleeping out of pure exhaustion is NOT what a life should comprise of. I’m trying to remind myself that though at times my emotions seem big and scary and overwhelming and out of control, I’m actually okay. This is actually manageable. I can actually do this and I am 100% capable of that. I think is the first time I’ve been able to say that in the last year and a half and have genuinely meant it.
And this is fleeting and I know these things oscillate. I know tomorrow I might wake up and think I can’t, and I might want to quit. So I’m writing this now to tell myself that I can do this and I am capable and that even though it may feel intolerable right now, I wholeheartedly believe I can get through this, in time and with patience.
My hope for YOU is that at some point, or some day, even for just ONE moment you might feel this way too – that, even just momentarily, you’ll feel empowered, or your healthy self will kick in and what you value will start to become more and more evident in your actions. I hope you have loads and loads and LOADS of moments of not caring, and that one day soon you’ll be able to accept, be okay with, and eventually LIKE who you are and who you’re becoming.Bekah X