Hey there, you. Reader.
If you’re reading this, it’s either because I made you, or because you’re re-reading it just for shits and gigs, or maybe because it means something to you. I hope it’s the latter, because I’m writing this for a purpose – I’m writing this to remind you of WHY you’re doing what you’re doing right now – that is, being here, and fighting the battle you’re fighting. I’m writing this because I want to remind you that right now, even though it seems as though you’ll never overcome this, that one day you will. I’m writing this to remind you that some days are harder than others and some days you might slip backwards. Some days you might make no progress. Some days you just might want to quit – and sometimes you might just even give in to that temptation, devote yourself solely to relapse.
I want you to know that you have a choice in this, a choice between living the life you want and desire, and living a life that sure – in the short-term, makes you feel good and okay, and safe even – but in the long-term does NOT get you where you want. Let me say that again: YOU HAVE A CHOICE. The choice isn’t easy, and the choice won’t always feel as if it’s yours to be made – but it’s there. Take it.
I want you to know that you deserve so much better than this. You deserve good health, and a well-nourished body. You deserve to study and feed your mind and your soul and spirit, to travel, to have a family. You deserve good food, and lazy, lonely nights at home with cups of tea and chocolate .You deserve dinners out with friends, and sneaky slices of leftover apricot pie from the fridge. You deserve restful nights of sleep; you deserve spontaneity. You deserve flexibility, a life that is NOT dictated by rules, but by your desires and by your wishes. You deserve choice. You deserve to do things you love with people you love. You deserve the concentration to sit down and read a good book, or do a crossword or watch a movie.
As clichéd as it is, there is so much more planned for your life than the behaviours you’re currently engaging in. It is your very RIGHT to discover what those plans are, and to create ones for yourself that don’t involve the eating disorders voice.
As much as your mind might try and tell you that this is okay, that you’re invincible, that other people suffer the side effects of it and you don’t – it’s a big, dirty lie. Your body was not created to be tortured in such a way as this. Your body was designed to be cared for; to be looked after – and to be looked after by YOU.
No matter what you’ve said or done; no matter what has been said or done to you – no matter what you feel you should have done or you didn’t do – your body does not deserve to bear the brunt of the pain you’re carrying. Your body wants you to live, even if your mind is telling you that you don’t. Your body is FOR you, not against you. It is not your enemy; but the eating disorder is.
I want you to know that too many people are lost to this illness. Far, far too many. To see another life lost to it would be such a tragedy. There are no words to describe what a loss it would be.
Please fight. Please hold on. Please remind yourself of what you want for your life. Please have hope. Please be gentle with yourself. Please know this isn’t easy, and please know the process won’t look as perfect as you want it to. Please know that you deserve better. Please know that you deserve freedom.
And please know that that freedom is possible.