Last night, for the very first time in a long time, I took a shower at 9pm.
This probably seems like no big deal. I’m sure people do this all the time; I’m sure it’s a standard sort of activity. The thing is though, there’s a whole lot of disgust and hatred built up inside of me about and toward my body – which sucks really because it hasn’t done a whole lot to deserve such strong emotions. After a whole day of eating three snacks, and three main meals, my body image at 9pm is kind of just really terrible. I feel full. I full bloated, I detest what I see in the mirror even more than usual. And that’s saying a damn lot.
Last night I decided that I might not necessarily like my body a whole lot for the time being, but that’s okay because that’s where I’m at. I might not feel 100% comfortable in my skin, but that’s okay because that’s where I’m at. I might not appreciate what my reflection looks like in the mirror, but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate everything my body does for me.
For the last two years since I relapsed, I have fought against my body like hell. I have forced it to be and remain at, until recently, a weight it didn’t want to remain at. I have treated it as no human deserves to be treated. I have forced it to endure hours of walking. I have deprived it of the vitamins and minerals it both needs and deserves. And I have loathed it, despite its perfectly normal imperfections.
Sure, I don’t love it. But I can appreciate it. I can appreciate that it hasn’t conked out on me despite the physical and emotional trauma I have placed it through. I can appreciate that it functions well on a day-to-day basis, and that it functions adequately. I can appreciate my heart that beats, my muscles that enable me to move and be and exist. I can appreciate that my body is for me, not against me. And I can appreciate its resilience.
So yes, I may not love my body now but hopefully one day I WILL. Hopefully one day, I will treat it as justly as it deserves. Hopefully one day what I see will be a true representation of how my body actually is, and be okay with that. Hopefully one day the urges to control and manipulate my weight will dissipate.
I have a true and deep faith that those urges will eventually, ever so gradually and oh so successfully leave. And I believe that not just for me, but for you too.