giving myself permission to give in to the process of recovery

I’ve been considering blogging for a while now, but I haven’t felt like I’ve all that much to say. I’m not sure I’ve actually written this so explicitly before, but I actually tend to avoid blogging when things aren’t going so well in my world; if I’m engaging in eating disordered behaviours or whatever – who am I to be sitting here dishing out advice when things aren’t going great on my end? I feel pretty hypocritical even just considering it. So now you know – if I haven’t blogged in a while, it might be a sign that things aren’t good. It might also be a sign that things are great and I’m off living my life without a lot of time to focus on my blog or my eating disorder.

Anyway. That doesn’t happen to be the case this time around, unfortunately. Continue reading

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the worst that can happen.

This morning I had a cup of milk on my cereal. I know it was a cup, because I measured it. This is not something I usually do. This morning I had to force myself to measure out a cup of milk, as per my dietitian’s request, because this is not something I usually do and whilst I measure my cereal I do not measure my milk. I have always pronounced this to health professionals triumphantly – I do not measure my milk, therefore I am not obsessive and I can be flexible and I am smashing this whole recovery thing. Continue reading

For When the Battle Seems Never-Ending.

Long time, no blog. I’ve had lots of ideas floating around in my mind about things I’ve wanted to write about, but I haven’t been able to string the words together quite as I’ve wanted to. I figured though, that I may as well give it a crack. This blog post is something I’ve been thinking about recently, something I’ve needed to write for myself and be reminded of, and something I’ve wanted to write for those who may also be at a crossroads similar to my own. So here we have it – a blog about the overwhelming nature of recovery from an eating disorder. Thanks for reading, pals. X

Continue reading

good food, bad food or just… food?

I’d just like to quickly point out that I missed my blogs one year birthday back at the end of October – sad! I did eat some cake in celebration though, and perhaps you can all join me in that next year! I must say, I never really thought this blog would be going for so long – and that I’d still have things to say about eating disorders after all this time. So thank you guys for hanging in there with me throughout this journey, it’s been a privilege. Now onto the excellent topic of food… Continue reading

Avoiding Relapsing.

We all struggle with something right? Speeding, drinking, watching too much television, smoking, lying, overeating, under-eating, worrying, not reading our bibles or praying as often as we think we should or need to or as often as we like … the list is endless. Our struggles are as unique as we are.  The thing is, the only way that we can begin to change these issues we battle is by facing them head on. And that seems scary. And often, it even seems impossible. But we resolve to change anyway, because we know we should and we will be A Better Person because of it – and perhaps then we stick with it, with our new changes, for a few days or a week or a month or a few months – but we fail. We inevitably end up back where we started and we very dangerously say “Stuff it, I’m clearly incapable of making change long-term.” And so we give up. We give up and we stay stuck in our behaviours.

I’ve been thinking about this in recent times and thinking about how I have actually managed to avoid a huge eating disorder relapse and thought it was important I wrote some of these thoughts down. These are not only applicable to eating disorders; you might find there’s something written here that strikes you as relevent for your own life / situations you encounter etc – hopefully you do! These are a few things I have found helpful in the last 10 months. Continue reading

Writing Lyrics!

I’ve been feeling a little like Jonah as of late. Regardless of if you’re a christian or not, you probably know the story – God says to Jonah “Go to Ninevah!” (paraphrasing by the way). Jonah says ‘uh, don’t think so!” and ends up on his way to Tarshish instead. I feel like God is asking me to do things that I think I can’t do. And so I’m running away and He’s just waiting for me to come crawling back. Hopefully not in the mouth of a whale.

I had a hard morning. I’m moving out from here on the weekend and a) I’m scared and b) I’m terrified. I cannot slow down time. The move is inevitable. And despite being sure that the change will be good and knowing that God will bring so much good out of it: I still don’t want to do it and it doesn’t make it any easier.

So I message L this morning as she’s going to Wollongong and I say sorry for being a turkey head and that I love her and A a lot. To which she replies “Love you too. And don’t ever forget that.” I’m just getting into the shower when I read it and I just sit on the floor of the shower and cry as the water runs over me, asking Him not to make me do this. But He will, because it’s part of His great plan and who I am to dispute that? So I changed my prayer and asked Him to make it easier and to keep reminding me of His goodness throughout this all.

I started to pack some boxes with books and the like when I had this urge to sing. Not just any song – words that were formulating in my head. I grabbed my trusty yellow notebook and a blue pen (which are rather inferior to black pens) and sat down and wrote.

Here it is.

God I don’t know how to do

All these things You have asked of me

But I know I’ll keep holding on

And You will pull me through

                                                   x 2

You took my hand

You saved my life

You are my friend

You loved me

I am forgiv’n

I am Your child

I ran away

You followed me

Now I’m leaving this behind

And I’m moving forward in life

I’m not running away this time

Please never let me go

Please never let me go.

 

You took my hand

You saved my life

You are my friend

You loved me

I am forgiv’n

I am Your child

I ran away

You followed me

I don’t think it’s quite finished yet, but it does have a tune! I’m a bit of a self-conscious twit however, and may not sing it for anyone yet.

The only thing I want to point out is that God really doesn’t ask a whole heap from us, even though it can so often seem rather overwhelming. I guess at the moment the expectations seem high, but the reality is that they’re non-existent! God asks us to trust in Him, rely on Him, love Him, obey Him and believe in His son. And there’s no way we could ever pay back the great debt we owe by anything we do.

I’m just rambling now (what’s new!) but I really, really urge you to think about what I’ve posted here this afternoon and consider what it means for you right now. Do you know God? Do you trust Him, and trust Him completely? Are you running away from Him?

Where are you at?

B X

My Booky Wooky.

A few months back, I started writing a book. It was more for my benefit really, a memoir of sorts so that I could accurately recall this last year. I wrote near 30, 000 words and then I thought I had finished so I stopped. Except I hadn’t finished. Clearly, there is still a lot more left to write because God hasn’t finished writing my story yet.

And plus, a lot more of my recovery has occurred – I’m a lot better, and I am therefore probably in a better position to rationally reflect on the last few years. So I am mostly writing this to gauge whether this book is something worth continuing and share a little snippet of it with you 🙂

” It’s hard for me to know where to start. How far back should I take you? Perhaps it is essential for me to briefly skim over my childhood. I was born in Nowra, NSW Australia on the 6th of October to William and Joanne McAlinden. I have a [brother], called Luke. My childhood started there – Dad was in the Navy and I therefore went to the preschool on the Navy Base where he worked. We moved around a bit, being a Navy family and all, and I started my schooling life from year 1 onwards in Toowoomba, Queensland. Life was reasonably normal, from memory. I use the word ‘reasonably’ because many of my memories from that time are food focused, which is clearly abnormal but I am sure quite common for those with eating disorders! I used to sneak lollies here and there. I refused to have milk in my cereal because “it tasted funny”, I’ve sat at the dinner table refusing to eat chicken stirfry. I’ve won an Easter raffle and stuffed my face with chocolate and felt guilty. I used to steal chocolate topping from the cupboard and drink it straight. I made chocolate icing when I was sad and ate the whole bowl. I licked the flavour of every single chicken Shape, and then threw the actual biscuits out. I’m not sure why all of these memories are so prominent in my mind. There is the possibility that these were learned behaviours, things I had observed others around me also doing, but there is no history of any eating disorders in my family. To my knowledge, I am the first.”

Mostly, it’s reflections upon how my eating disorder came to be, how I was throughout my eating disorder, how I am scrambling back up from that and the (very major!) part my relationship with God has played in it all. I think it’s maybe interesting? And could be useful for others who are recovering from eating disorders themselves. I think a lot of people have their own individual stories to share and far too often we shy back because we think others will be judgemental or think differently of us. If my story could help just one person, then I think it’s a worthwhile thing to share.

And that’s my first ramble for this weekend.

B X