Quasi Recovery.

It’s been almost 8 months since I’ve posted here. It hasn’t been for any one reason in particular – perhaps it more just shows how dang quickly this year has gone. I wouldn’t say there’s been A LOT happening in my life – I did have a week in New Zealand at the start of the year, 2 hospital admissions in there somewhere and a few nights in Melbourne for my first little solo trip. Oh – and my graduation ceremony. But I haven’t been working and as per the norm, all of this eating stuff has made things rather difficult in staying reliable enough to manage a job.  Continue reading

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2017 (such an original title; oh mylanta)

I haven’t blogged for ages, as per the norm but given it’s the end of the year and I’m feeling rather nostalgic about the year that was (you know those NYE feels) I thought I might give blogging in 2017 one last crack.  Continue reading

giving myself permission to give in to the process of recovery

I’ve been considering blogging for a while now, but I haven’t felt like I’ve all that much to say. I’m not sure I’ve actually written this so explicitly before, but I actually tend to avoid blogging when things aren’t going so well in my world; if I’m engaging in eating disordered behaviours or whatever – who am I to be sitting here dishing out advice when things aren’t going great on my end? I feel pretty hypocritical even just considering it. So now you know – if I haven’t blogged in a while, it might be a sign that things aren’t good. It might also be a sign that things are great and I’m off living my life without a lot of time to focus on my blog or my eating disorder.

Anyway. That doesn’t happen to be the case this time around, unfortunately. Continue reading

V is for Value (s)

Lately I’ve been thinking about my values –  mulling over what it is that is most important to me, the things in my life that I love and treasure; what I want to fill my life with – and the values which I’d like to live my life by. I’ve particularly been thinking about it this evening, because I’ve essentially ditched bible study / ditched spending time with people whom I care about deeply so I can sit at home feeling sorry for myself and stay stuck in the routine that my eating disorder presently has happening.  Continue reading

you don’t want an eating disorder, you just want to be thin.

Just recently, I had a woman I have known for a number of years say to me that she wished she could have a little bit of my eating disorder. Continue reading

Exercise Bulimia (and youtube videos)

In case you’re unaware, in recent days I have been making a video every now and then and uploading it to Youtube. I’m ridiculously awkward and a tad boring, but I figured that there are probably a whole lot of people out there who don’t really like reading blogs and learn through visual aids. Hence why I’ve succumbed to the land of Youtube.

Continue reading

Exercise Monster!

Yeah, like I said in my previous post – I’m prone to becoming quite obsessed with exercise. I think I might still use it as a form of punishment if I overeat or eat something my eating disorder deems “bad”. And it starts slowly but quickly takes its grip on you and before you realise, you’re doing too much.

I wouldn’t say I’m doing too much at the moment, but I’m doing more than usual. And a lot of it is stress induced / boredom induced / eating disorder induced. When I first began to exercise again, I was allowed to walk the dog 20 mins a day. Then M, ze dietitian lady said only 5 times a week – because I’m (or the ED!) is so rigid in my (its) actions.

So now I’m walking the dog for 20-40 mins a day and swimming for 2 hours a week. Which I think is a pretty normal amount of exercise, nothing too obsessive there. Except for the fact that I still would freak out if I had to miss swimming (which I did today, and thus did some extra walking) or if I didn’t do any exercise at all in a day.

I know that it’s great to have a break from exercise at least one day in the week. I know that I don’t need to do as much exercise as I am to maintain my weight. I tend to do either too much or not enough of most things and the result is me being a big ball of stress. So here we are.

Don’t have much to comment on really, or encourage with but here’s my parting words: don’t overexercise! It screws up your brain. And the exercise monster can often be one of the most challenging monsters to beat in the long run.

Love, Rebekah X