no words.

This afternoon we found out that a beautiful woman we were in treatment with earlier this year passed away yesterday. There are literally no words out there to articulate the sadness of her death, and that are no words to adequately express the shock and depth of the loss that so many of us are feeling right now.

The words I do have are these: when recovery seems never-ending, when recovery seems difficult, when the struggle doesn’t feel worth it… Remember that it is. Remember that there is life and hope beyond this. Remember that you have strength within you to beat this illness, and remember that this illness is unjust and unfair and wrong and devastating and that you deserve so much more than it can ever provide for you. If you can’t fight for yourself right now, please fight for those around you. Ash would be behind you and cheering you on every single step of the way.

Let’s make 2017 our year, and let’s look out for those around us and keep reminding them just how much we care for, love and value one another particularly during this holiday season that so many find so difficult.

Love,

Bek X

I couldn’t care less about the number on the scales.

The last time I weighed myself because my eating disorder decided I needed to do so was on the 31st of December last year. I can probably make an educated guess re how often an individual suffering with an eating disorder weighs themself, but how often does a normal person weigh themselves? Feel free to share.

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Oh, the joy of Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! I wanted to write a little something about Christmas and how hard it can be for the eating disordered because of the copious amounts of food etc. Last year for example, I basically binged at Christmas time (malnutrition – my body hadn’t seen that much food in yonks!), then weighed myself in my aunty’s bathroom, then purged and weighed myself again to make sure my weight had gone back down.

Really, really unpleasant right? Bad Christmas memories, all related to food.

So I wanna talk about something a little different. My favourite things that happened this Christmas. No looking back at crappy Christmases from the past. And I want to know what your favourite thing about today was too.

I was woken up by a lovely lady loudly saying “Merry Christmas!” in my ear. I ate prawns at lunchtime. They were spectacular. I went and visited an awesome old chap who used to go to our 7pm service at church – he’s 91 next month! He’s my absolute favourite. He was in bed at 3:15 in the afternoon and looked pale and ill and laid there and told me how abundantly blessed he has been by God to have a view of Saddleback Mountain from his window. I also went for a walk with him briefly outside and as we took the elevator downstairs he did a funny little hip wiggle and told me he was a little like Elvis Presley. Seriously. He’s a champion.

Also had this photo taken today

It makes me very, very happy.

I was thinking earlier about how time away from extremely lovely people makes you appreciate them even more. And Christmas is good for that, it reunites you with family members and loved ones and you realise how wonderfully blessed you really are. And recall just how much God has blessed us by sending his son Jesus to die for us.

So – what has been your favourite thing today?

Love Rebekah XXXX

Scales War: Round 2

Just before I hopped in the shower yesterday, I saw those scales sitting on C’s bedroom floor – where she had put them after I asked her to take them from the bathroom. I hesitated and ED stole my brain for a moment – IWASGOINGTO WEIGHMYSELFIHADTOWEIGHMYSELFICOULDN’TSTOPMYSELFFROMWEIGHINGMYSELF.

But I didn’t end up following through with those thoughts.

Why? I don’t know. Perhaps now I have enough strength to turn my eating disorder down when it demands something of me. Perhaps, after mulling over it for a little while, I realised that I don’t particularly want to live my life by the scales anymore. Or that it is irrelevant to me now, and my values lie elsewhere.

Also, I was stressed I would weigh more because I had 2 pieces of raisin toast, some yoghurt and a cup of tea in me. Which is almost beside the point, but not quite. You see, I still stress about these things sometimes. Last week for example, I was scared to go to the chiro wearing jeans because I thought I would weigh more when I stepped on the scales there.

I weighed exactly the same as I have for the past 4 months.

The eating disordered mind is so, so irrational. The frustrating part is that at the time, it seems completely logical to the individual. It is only with reflection upon the behaviour that they recognise it was wrong. I think my little fears are becoming less and less. I had a night a few weeks ago where I freaked about eating nachos for dinner. But I conquered them and it was all rather exciting, really.

My eating disorder doesn’t always win anymore. And I can’t wait until the day when I can say that it never wins. That will be spectacular indeed.

Love, Rebekah xxxx