I’ve been wanting to write this post for awhile now but it’s been difficult to know where to start. It’s quite a difficult and divisive topic, and it’s taken some reflecting on my end to figure out how to write this in a sensitive way and in a way where people aren’t left feeling condemned or shamed. So my aim is to avoid those 2 things. I hope what I write speaks to your experiences and is instead validating and loving.
A few years back, I attended a pretty well known church in the city. It was a big church which made it hard to get to know people on a deeper level unless you were actively involved in ministry or bible study or a mentoring program – I was involved in all of those things, but I still felt like a bit of an outsider. Nevertheless, I continued attending church there each week as I got a lot of encouragement and spiritual growth from the teaching and music. Overall, the teaching was brilliant. Sadly, the pastoral care was lacking enormously. I don’t know if that’s because the church is so big or if it’s because people just forget the significance of pastoral care. Perhaps it’s because more broadly, society (and churches in this context) aren’t very good at knowing how to deal with poor mental health and mental health issues. Regardless, there were a number of things about this church that made me feel shame, and ashamed, and uncared for, and “different”. I still do have close relationships with a handful of people from there and I love those friends and value their friendship beyond measure, but those beautiful people were the minority. After leaving that church I wasn’t quiet about my experiences and other people reached out to say that they too had felt similarly and had also had experiences like mine. Sadly, there was one particular person who called me to let me know they thought my speaking out about the hurt I had experienced at the church was childish, and let me know that they had advised other people in the church ignore me.
This semester at college I’ve been studying Christian Ethics, and whilst one would hope that would be of great encouragement and contribute to one’s spiritual growth, I would say that it’s left me feeling a little resentful toward the church and the ways in which the church has been known to shame and condemn people who make choices that they would not make themselves. One would hope that the church would be a place where people could find refuge, feel loved, cared for and valued. Sadly, that’s not the experience for a number of people. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sharing thoughts and opinions that you hold, and I don’t think it’s an issue if those differ from the world more broadly, but there’s a difference between standing up for what you believe, and dismissing people and their very real issues. Just quietly, I also think we need to acknowledge that we live in a world where things happen that we may not necessarily agree with but that definitely will not be changing and in part we almost need to accept that and bite our tongues about some things. The church has quite the rep for holding some very strong opinions about a lot of things, and sometimes the ways in which we go about professing those beliefs aren’t doing the church or peoples perspectives or views of Jesus any favours.
I’m so bloody sorry if you, for whatever reason – be it mental health, your sexuality, relationship breakdown, gender, choices you’ve made regarding your marriage or children, opinions you’ve held regarding big topics like euthanasia or abortion – I’m so, so sorry if you have felt shamed for, uncared for or unloved by the church because of these things. It makes sense to me that if you’ve had a bad experience in this regard, you wouldn’t want anything to do with the church. It makes sense to me that you would find it difficult to forgive the church, or not be willing to forgive them.
And to the church: we can do better. We should be doing better. We should be actively loving, caring for and looking after people who we cross paths with. It’s not too much to ask. It’s not as complex as you think. We need to stop shaming people simply because they hold different beliefs to ours. It’s pretty straightforward really.
R is for Recovery (and Rebekah) 