Ranting and Raving.

I apologise. This shall be one big frustrated blog. If you don’t care for an eating disordered ramble on this sunny Friday afternoon, then please avert your eyes.

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.

C and I had a slight dispute today about the fact that I wanted to eat soup for dinner. Apparently, it’s “not enough to maintain a well, healthy and functioning body”.

So I was pretty mad about that. Mad because I’ve been learning for the past few months how to eat the RIGHT amount. Not over-eat or under-eat – but to eat a variety of foods from different food groups and how to maintain my weight. And in doing that, the focus has been taken off food and off weight. Until C mentioned that today. And I know that normal people eat soup for dinner. So why can’t I?

I know what my body needs, and I am the one who is responsible for giving it just that. No one else is in a position where they need to tell me what to eat or not to eat. I have no intentions of letting someone else control what foods I eat, or the amounts of those foods that I eat. I just don’t want to go there again. Because that gives my eating disorder a foothold and it decides “you know what? Stuff you. I’ll eat what I please, and that will be nothing”. And no. I’m not going there.

So I’m kind of stuck between a brick wall and a hard place. And I’m not really sure what to do from here on in. I just want to escape for a little while, in all honesty. As much as eating disorders thrive on rigidity, I’m sick of it.

Any advice is welcome.

Love Rebekah XXXX

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Purchasing Margarine.

Quick post before bed.

This will probably seem incredibly irrelevant, but after I went swimming yesterday I went to Woolies to buy some groceries. I bought margarine for the very first time in my life and I had a bit of a giggle when I put it in my basket. As I mentioned once in this post, I used to have an epic fear of both butter and margarine. I wouldn’t touch it. I wouldn’t let it come near a sandwich. If it got on my skin I had to scrub it off until every fatty oil was removed from my skin. And it had been like that for as long as I could remember really. So my dietitian told me that getting those essential fats from marg or butter or oil were a must. Slowly I learnt to integrate them into my diet – and my first few experiences of buttering my own bread was very frightening and difficult.

Long – winded! But do you therefore see the irony in me purchasing the margarine yesterday? I felt so blessed and happy to be able to do that. Strange I know, but recovering from an eating disorder has made me feel grateful for so many things. BE EXCITED EVERYONE I EAT MARGARINE ON MY RAISIN TOAST AND I REALLY LIKE IT AND TOUCH IT AND DON’T FREAK. WOO!

I also bought a block of Lindt chilli chocolate which has been secretly stashed away until it is required by my belly.

So much to look forward to.

Love Rebekah.

 

Well Well Well…

Update time! This may seem ranty and rambly and tiredly written and that is because it is all of those things. So read with caution.

I had a sleepover in ze lovely L & A’s household last night. We ate wonderful salmon for dinner,

watched an intense movie called ‘Get Low’, had a glass of wine and ate custard. It. Was. Happy.

Today I went for my very first post eating-disordered swim. Not sure how to explain exactly how splendid it felt to be in the pool again (without ED in my little brain!) – seriously felt so, so blessed to have the energy to do things like that again. I swam half a kilometre anyway which I think was pretty reasonable – I used to swim 2-3km in my crazy ED days. And I walked Bel Bel for an hour too – plenty of exercise methinks! And ate an extra choccie at supper time to make up for all those calories lost 😉

My ED won me over a little over this evening, however. I didn’t really intend on walking Bella for so long and at one point during the walk googled the phrase “walking for weightloss” on my phone. So yes. That was a little douchy, I will never let myself go back to my old eating disordered ways. I think I have come too far to do such a thing. And I think it would be a slap in the face to a lot of beautiful people who have supported me throughout this whole epic recovery period.

As I was walking along tonight, I was thinking about how when I’m an old woman (okay, in my 30s – so not too old) I really want to be able to teach my children healthy habits in regards to food and exercise. And so I need to make sure that I implement these and continue to change old habits so that I can pass such information on. It will be a responsibility of mine and I want to make sure that I’m in a position to be able to do that.

I’m off to do some journaling – it’s been awhile! Then sweet, wonderful sleep.

And I’ll be feeling the aches and pains of todays exercise tomorrow! Bleargh.

🙂

 

Love, Rebekah.

Rants and Rambles and Sad Anoretics.

I am sick and tired of skinny girls saying they’re fat. Talking about some new diet they’re on this week because they need to lose a few kilos. Family members constantly asking me if I think they look fat. People boasting about how much exercise they’ve done, as if it makes them better than I am, in some bizarre and twisted way. Individuals talking about food as either good or bad (bread: bad; fruit: good, for example). People buying 98% fat free goods as if they’re going to save the world or change their weight dramatically overnight.

Hot dang, it’s a frustration and a half.

Went with A this afternoon to take R to the airport and on our way back we saw an extremely anorexic woman speedily walking down the footpath. From memory (it’s a slight blur), I exclaimed “holy dooley” and A looked a little shocked … then he told me to hold out my arm and he told me it has to stay the size that it is now. Because seeing thin arms like mine used to be, and like that girls is very shocking. And then I think I cried.

It’s REALLY hard seeing girls like that. Or guys. I just want to help people who are still in that mind frame to realise that fading away isn’t possible – and that there’s so much more to life than an eating disorder. And as terrifying as food seems, it’s actually one of the most wonderful things God has given (except for of course water. And Jesus. Definitely Jesus).

So I beg of you – stop talking about your weight. It’s irrelevant. Stop putting yourself down because you think your thighs are big. As M, my dietitian constantly asks me: are these things really in line with your values? No? Then put them aside.

Love Bek xxxx

Oh, the joy of Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! I wanted to write a little something about Christmas and how hard it can be for the eating disordered because of the copious amounts of food etc. Last year for example, I basically binged at Christmas time (malnutrition – my body hadn’t seen that much food in yonks!), then weighed myself in my aunty’s bathroom, then purged and weighed myself again to make sure my weight had gone back down.

Really, really unpleasant right? Bad Christmas memories, all related to food.

So I wanna talk about something a little different. My favourite things that happened this Christmas. No looking back at crappy Christmases from the past. And I want to know what your favourite thing about today was too.

I was woken up by a lovely lady loudly saying “Merry Christmas!” in my ear. I ate prawns at lunchtime. They were spectacular. I went and visited an awesome old chap who used to go to our 7pm service at church – he’s 91 next month! He’s my absolute favourite. He was in bed at 3:15 in the afternoon and looked pale and ill and laid there and told me how abundantly blessed he has been by God to have a view of Saddleback Mountain from his window. I also went for a walk with him briefly outside and as we took the elevator downstairs he did a funny little hip wiggle and told me he was a little like Elvis Presley. Seriously. He’s a champion.

Also had this photo taken today

It makes me very, very happy.

I was thinking earlier about how time away from extremely lovely people makes you appreciate them even more. And Christmas is good for that, it reunites you with family members and loved ones and you realise how wonderfully blessed you really are. And recall just how much God has blessed us by sending his son Jesus to die for us.

So – what has been your favourite thing today?

Love Rebekah XXXX

Scales War: Round 2

Just before I hopped in the shower yesterday, I saw those scales sitting on C’s bedroom floor – where she had put them after I asked her to take them from the bathroom. I hesitated and ED stole my brain for a moment – IWASGOINGTO WEIGHMYSELFIHADTOWEIGHMYSELFICOULDN’TSTOPMYSELFFROMWEIGHINGMYSELF.

But I didn’t end up following through with those thoughts.

Why? I don’t know. Perhaps now I have enough strength to turn my eating disorder down when it demands something of me. Perhaps, after mulling over it for a little while, I realised that I don’t particularly want to live my life by the scales anymore. Or that it is irrelevant to me now, and my values lie elsewhere.

Also, I was stressed I would weigh more because I had 2 pieces of raisin toast, some yoghurt and a cup of tea in me. Which is almost beside the point, but not quite. You see, I still stress about these things sometimes. Last week for example, I was scared to go to the chiro wearing jeans because I thought I would weigh more when I stepped on the scales there.

I weighed exactly the same as I have for the past 4 months.

The eating disordered mind is so, so irrational. The frustrating part is that at the time, it seems completely logical to the individual. It is only with reflection upon the behaviour that they recognise it was wrong. I think my little fears are becoming less and less. I had a night a few weeks ago where I freaked about eating nachos for dinner. But I conquered them and it was all rather exciting, really.

My eating disorder doesn’t always win anymore. And I can’t wait until the day when I can say that it never wins. That will be spectacular indeed.

Love, Rebekah xxxx

Nostalgia.

Sitting in an oversized jumper, drinking Twinings English Breakfast tea and just spotted a huntsman on the wall.

Think you’re all about due for an update.

The weather has been crummy, the cats  follow me around a lot, yesterday I ate a strange German sausage for lunch, I’m trying to find things to fill in my mornings which is sometimes difficult and thus they drag a little, I started sleeping with my door closed (which I’ve never done) primarily because some unnamed people in this house snore loudly.

Yesterday I had a CT scan for a potential sinus infection, I had afternoon tea with L & A (fudge and coffee!), I bought lovely orange flowers of some variety that I cannot currently recall and went on a picnic with B & L (it was really, really, really fantastic).

What do I miss?

The obvious. The company of some of my favourite people. Sleeping in a double bed. The daily grind coffee. Being tucked in. Forehead kisses. (I know, I need to grow up v. soon). Knowing what’s going on in peoples’ lives all the time. Dancing wildly in the lounge room to James Brown. Being encouraged to sing in the shower. Also, I really, really reaaaaaally miss this girl:

Basically listening to my happy songs playlist on ze ipod over and over again in the coming days. It’s sure to get the positive vibes flowing.

Love, Rebekah XX

Crisis # 1 – Crisis Averted!

Crisis # 1. Walked into the bathroom at C’s house to unpack all my toiletry goods. Scales were innocently sitting next to the bath. Eating disorder cheered. Rebekah furrowed her brow.

I haven’t actually weighed myself in a very long time. M, ze dietitian woman does it once a fortnight, but that’s just to check in on where I’m at and see what my body is doing with all of this new-found food that it’s missed out on for so damn long! I have a general idea of what I weigh, but mostly I try to stay away, particularly if it’s something my eating disorder is demanding to know and not myself.

Messaged L and told her, who promptly told me she would inform C that they should really probably more than likely definitely be moved (she didn’t actually use those words, but I wish she had now that I just thought of them ’cause then I could put them in quotation marks and italics and it would look cool).

Summoned up the courage and told C myself – it was A-OK and she has now shifted them into her room.

Crisis # 1 averted.

So what is there to say?

– There are creepy toy soldiers on my bedside table

– I had morning tea with A and lunch with L

– I am allergic to C’s cats

– I’m writing thank you cards for people who have been most lovely and helpful this year

– Speaking of cards, L gave me this excellent one yesterday:

So, so fitting.

Things are feeling a little weird, but that’s to be expected I’m sure.

Shall keep you all updated.

 

Love, Bek XX

Today’s the Day!

I haven’t written lately because I’ve been busy. And if I haven’t been busy, I’ve been sad. And if I haven’t been either of those things, I’ve been packing. Or drinking coffee.

I’m spending my first night away from this house, away from L & A tonight. This might be the last blog post I may write here for a while. I’m terrified. I’m scared things will be weird between us now. I’m scared I won’t be able to talk to them about things I previously have been able to. I am so much going to miss their company and their love and support and hugs and general greatness.

I’m staying with a lovely lady called C  – then moving into my own place next February / March-ish. I don’t know what to say really. You might not understand how difficult this is – but if you understand how important this year has been in terms of my eating disorder recovery and how significant L & A have been in my recovery process, then perhaps you do.

So if you’re the praying sort, please pray. I know full well I can get through the next few days and weeks and months – but the point is that I’m not exactly sure how.

No other relevant things to say.

Writing Lyrics!

I’ve been feeling a little like Jonah as of late. Regardless of if you’re a christian or not, you probably know the story – God says to Jonah “Go to Ninevah!” (paraphrasing by the way). Jonah says ‘uh, don’t think so!” and ends up on his way to Tarshish instead. I feel like God is asking me to do things that I think I can’t do. And so I’m running away and He’s just waiting for me to come crawling back. Hopefully not in the mouth of a whale.

I had a hard morning. I’m moving out from here on the weekend and a) I’m scared and b) I’m terrified. I cannot slow down time. The move is inevitable. And despite being sure that the change will be good and knowing that God will bring so much good out of it: I still don’t want to do it and it doesn’t make it any easier.

So I message L this morning as she’s going to Wollongong and I say sorry for being a turkey head and that I love her and A a lot. To which she replies “Love you too. And don’t ever forget that.” I’m just getting into the shower when I read it and I just sit on the floor of the shower and cry as the water runs over me, asking Him not to make me do this. But He will, because it’s part of His great plan and who I am to dispute that? So I changed my prayer and asked Him to make it easier and to keep reminding me of His goodness throughout this all.

I started to pack some boxes with books and the like when I had this urge to sing. Not just any song – words that were formulating in my head. I grabbed my trusty yellow notebook and a blue pen (which are rather inferior to black pens) and sat down and wrote.

Here it is.

God I don’t know how to do

All these things You have asked of me

But I know I’ll keep holding on

And You will pull me through

                                                   x 2

You took my hand

You saved my life

You are my friend

You loved me

I am forgiv’n

I am Your child

I ran away

You followed me

Now I’m leaving this behind

And I’m moving forward in life

I’m not running away this time

Please never let me go

Please never let me go.

 

You took my hand

You saved my life

You are my friend

You loved me

I am forgiv’n

I am Your child

I ran away

You followed me

I don’t think it’s quite finished yet, but it does have a tune! I’m a bit of a self-conscious twit however, and may not sing it for anyone yet.

The only thing I want to point out is that God really doesn’t ask a whole heap from us, even though it can so often seem rather overwhelming. I guess at the moment the expectations seem high, but the reality is that they’re non-existent! God asks us to trust in Him, rely on Him, love Him, obey Him and believe in His son. And there’s no way we could ever pay back the great debt we owe by anything we do.

I’m just rambling now (what’s new!) but I really, really urge you to think about what I’ve posted here this afternoon and consider what it means for you right now. Do you know God? Do you trust Him, and trust Him completely? Are you running away from Him?

Where are you at?

B X