I apologise. This shall be one big frustrated blog. If you don’t care for an eating disordered ramble on this sunny Friday afternoon, then please avert your eyes.
C and I had a slight dispute today about the fact that I wanted to eat soup for dinner. Apparently, it’s “not enough to maintain a well, healthy and functioning body”.
So I was pretty mad about that. Mad because I’ve been learning for the past few months how to eat the RIGHT amount. Not over-eat or under-eat – but to eat a variety of foods from different food groups and how to maintain my weight. And in doing that, the focus has been taken off food and off weight. Until C mentioned that today. And I know that normal people eat soup for dinner. So why can’t I?
I know what my body needs, and I am the one who is responsible for giving it just that. No one else is in a position where they need to tell me what to eat or not to eat. I have no intentions of letting someone else control what foods I eat, or the amounts of those foods that I eat. I just don’t want to go there again. Because that gives my eating disorder a foothold and it decides “you know what? Stuff you. I’ll eat what I please, and that will be nothing”. And no. I’m not going there.
So I’m kind of stuck between a brick wall and a hard place. And I’m not really sure what to do from here on in. I just want to escape for a little while, in all honesty. As much as eating disorders thrive on rigidity, I’m sick of it.
Any advice is welcome.
Love Rebekah XXXX