My very first hospital admission was in 2013. I was 20 years old and naïve; I was relatively new to treatment and had never had a conversation with anyone who’d been in an inpatient setting before. I was super motivated – I thought I’d go in, get my food on track, increase what I was eating, gain the weight that I’d lost and then be good – ready to discharge and life would be back to how it was before I relapsed.
But that’s not what happens and that’s not how it works. Continue reading
I’ve always known recovery from an eating disorder is possible, because I’ve read books about it. I’ve heard people share their recovery stories. I’ve even had the privilege of witnessing it happen from time to time. I’ve known that recovery is possible, but I’ve only known this on an intellectual level – not in my own experience. Whilst I’ve definitely had times where I’ve been more “well” in the last 7 years, I’ve certainly not yet reached a place in that time where I would say my life has been substantially improved, regardless of how things have been perceived by others, or by my friends and family. Continue reading
There is always a before, a now and an after. Take the current COVID19 pandemic, for example. In just a few short weeks, everyone’s lives have turned completely upside down. Before this, we could sit in the park with a friend drinking a takeaway coffee and not even have to consider the distance between us or be concerned a cop might rock up and give us a fine. We could walk down the main street of our hometown and explore the little shops, wander around the bookshop, pop into Vinnies. We didn’t have to avoid people on our morning walks and make an obvious point of walking around them. We weren’t necessarily wearing gloves to buy groceries or sanitising and washing our hands obsessively or wearing masks or feeling anxious if the person in our train carriage had a cold. Indeed, we could even catch public transport without an ounce of anxiety. Continue reading
In the last few days I’ve been thinking about writing a blog post discussing how disabilities and mental health issues can lead to isolation and a general feeling of being ostracised in the community but there’s something else that’s come up in these last few weeks and even more so in these last few days that I feel is a more pressing issue to write about.
Obviously, everyone is pretty aware of the current situation regarding COVID-19. It’s a scary time for many, particularly those who are the most vulnerable. We’re conscious of not being too close to people, we’re aware of minimising contact, people are feeling anxious about touching coffee cups and handling money, sitting on trains and buses, going to church, entering shopping centres. There’s huge financial burdens and stresses on people which is just adding to the anxiety. Grocery stores are empty, broccoli is $11.90 a kilo (wtf) and everyone is panicking. Honestly, it took me 3 days and 6 grocery stores to find a bag of oats (shout out to Aldi). People are rationing and hoarding; walking around our local Woolies is genuinely really distressing and depressing. Every second shelf is empty and a lot of people are somehow managing to get by without the basics. Life has enough stress without this. There is still rent to pay, dogs to take to the vet, appointments to attend. There are children to protect and teach and work to be done. There are weddings and funerals and other sicknesses to be managed. Just generally, there’s a great deal of tension around. COVID-19 is constantly on peoples minds.
Obviously there are people who are more vulnerable to getting sick – REALLY sick from Coronavirus. The elderly, those with chronic illness (things you might not even think of – diabetes, heart or lung disease, cancer, various autoimmune diseases, HIV and AIDS, Down Syndrome and eating disorders, for example) are particularly more at risk than your average Joe.
So: eating disorders. It’s taken me awhile to get around to the main point of this post (soz fam, but thanks if you’ve read until now). I’ve been worried the last few days about people I’ve met in hospital who might be freaking out with all this food hoarding and panic buying going on and just today a conversation surrounding that has happened amongst a few of us. It’s going to trip a lot of us up. People who might not have an entirely clear understanding of eating disorders may not realise that some of us really struggle to be flexible with foods we eat or with specific brands that we buy. And it’s so easy to use that as a reason to forgo our meal plan or to restrict our intake. I don’t know how to address this because it obviously is what it is and some of us will certainly find ways of adapting, but not all of us are in a place where we can. What’s the point of posting about it if I don’t have a clear solution? I don’t know. But I just want people to be aware, I guess. It’s not so easy for someone to just eat pasta if they only feel they can manage rice. It’s not so easy for us to choose a different brand of yoghurt or have a different snack or have a different muesli bar than usual. Honestly, it doesn’t make sense even to me but the anxiety that comes up is real and there and undeniable. I’m worried about people with eating disorders because we’re already more at risk of getting very unwell were we to contract this virus but even MORE vulnerable if it shakes up our meal plan or routine and things become or seem unmanageable. I know for myself I’m already freaking out about the prospect of what might happen if I’m unable to be outside and exercise and how that might impact my meal plan. It all has a flow on effect. I do want to acknowledge also that there are people with allergies or intolerances who are also restricted in their food options, so it’s important to be mindful of this as well.
Please be aware of this. Those who know people with eating disorders, those who have family members with eating disorders – please know we might need some extra support with foodstuff at this crazy time. There is likely to be greater anxiety and we might need extra encouragement. We might need you to swap muesli bars with us if you don’t really give a shit what flavour you have. We might need you to grocery shop with us so we don’t have huge panic attacks in the cereal aisle, or even shop for us. This is a crazy time for everyone but there are different layers to this for different people and groups.
And for those who this is an issue – reach out. Share with people what’s going on in your head; share what the eating disorder might be shouting in that head of yours. Maybe you feel undeserving of food, or feel like you need to leave it for others but this is not the case – you deserve it. You need it. You need food just as much as anyone and you are so worthy of that.
So. Here ends the blog post.
Bek x
You might not believe it, but the good days exist. Or the good moments exist. The good minutes, even. A stranger walking by who catches your eye and smiles. Sunshine after a week of rain, or rain after the driest summer on record. The beautiful meow of your cat when you arrive home. The magazine you subscribe to arriving in the mail. Peanut butter. Bowls of rice. The satisfaction of finishing a book. Giggles escaping from your mouth that you didn’t even anticipate occurring. Your favourite song playing on the radio. Cards in the mail from friends; text messages saying hey thinking of you praying for you love you I’m glad you exist. Delicious smells of fresh bread when you walk by a bakery. Wisecracks from oldies. Cups of tea before bedtime and soy flat whites during the day. Breakfast. Breakfast for breakfast, lunch and dinner because it’s the damn best.
Green, lush grass that a month ago was crunchy and dead beneath your feet because of the lack of rain. Thunderstorms. Walking by the ocean. Watching a sunrise; watching a sunset. New, fresh tubes of toothpaste. Sleeping through the night. Dogs. Your dogs. Strangers dogs. Big dogs. Little dogs. Fluffy dogs. All kinds of dogs.
I’ve barely scratched the surface of all the good things.
Good days exist, good moments exist and good things exist, but some days we need to look extra hard for them. Some days are painful. Some days feel unbearable and it can feel like it’s just one horrible thing after the next. Depression isn’t just mental, it’s physical. It’s crushing and ever present. But there’s blue among the grey and I hope the grey starts to become less and less for you all x
This is a friendly reminder that eating disorders are a mental illness, not a physical illness. The basis for diagnosis is thoughts and behaviours. And whilst there may be (but is not always the case) physical consequences to an ED, this is not a marker for how serious ones eating disorder is. In fact, all eating disorders are serious. Continue reading
Oh man, a blog post! What a time. I’ve had so much to write but also so little, and lots of words running around in my head but no space in my brain to sit down and write them out. And to be honest, I still don’t have the space so these words will likely be clumsily strung together – sorry fam. Bear with me in this time of writers block Struggle Street. Continue reading
It’s been almost 8 months since I’ve posted here. It hasn’t been for any one reason in particular – perhaps it more just shows how dang quickly this year has gone. I wouldn’t say there’s been A LOT happening in my life – I did have a week in New Zealand at the start of the year, 2 hospital admissions in there somewhere and a few nights in Melbourne for my first little solo trip. Oh – and my graduation ceremony. But I haven’t been working and as per the norm, all of this eating stuff has made things rather difficult in staying reliable enough to manage a job. Continue reading
I haven’t blogged for ages, as per the norm but given it’s the end of the year and I’m feeling rather nostalgic about the year that was (you know those NYE feels) I thought I might give blogging in 2017 one last crack. Continue reading
I’ve been considering blogging for a while now, but I haven’t felt like I’ve all that much to say. I’m not sure I’ve actually written this so explicitly before, but I actually tend to avoid blogging when things aren’t going so well in my world; if I’m engaging in eating disordered behaviours or whatever – who am I to be sitting here dishing out advice when things aren’t going great on my end? I feel pretty hypocritical even just considering it. So now you know – if I haven’t blogged in a while, it might be a sign that things aren’t good. It might also be a sign that things are great and I’m off living my life without a lot of time to focus on my blog or my eating disorder.
Anyway. That doesn’t happen to be the case this time around, unfortunately. Continue reading
R is for Recovery (and Rebekah) 