I’m currently in the process of writing an essay which I’m 70% sure is due on Monday and listening to Lisa Mitchell sing at the same time – it’s a big distraction! I stop every few minutes and join in with Lisa singing about how sidekicks are important and then I realise I still have a lot of words to write on my essay so heck, why not write a blog post instead.
I feel like I’m doing the HSC all over again.
[trigger warning]
You’ve probably heard it all before, especially if you have an eating disorder, but I’m going to reiterate it again and again and again -your eating disorder will not achieve for you what you would like to achieve. It might, for a little while. That will probably feel good. You’ll get this false sense of hope that maybe you really are in control. And maybe you’ll just stay this way forever; hovering above food and being superior to it. But the thing is that it won’t stay that way. You think “I really am just going to lose a few kilos and then stop” but you won’t because you can’t. Even if you think you can, you will not be able to do so.
The reality is this: Continue reading
I’m a perfectionist. I’m not your average, every day perfectionist, however. I don’t bust my gut day in and day out working above and beyond what your every day average Joe would. My perfectionism comes out in slightly different ways.
When I was in high school, there was a particular subject I thought I was ridiculously stupid at. I thought everyone was far better at it than I was. So I ended up not really trying – I thought to myself “what the heck, I’m going to fail it anyway – so why even bother?” Perfectionists have the glass half empty; they’re down on themselves often. My ED was about being perfect – being good at something for once. I could exercise and restrict and lose weight – I had this need to lose weight. I had to do something right for once in my damn life. This could not be just like any other thing that I had started and failed.
I think this is also such a common misconception – just like we’ve previously learnt that eating disorders aren’t a choice, eating disorders also are not just about the food. Or the number on the scales. Or the thigh gap that may or may not be more prominent than it was last week.
I always get these ideas for blog posts while I’m doing something seemingly random. Like washing my hair. Or baking friands, or walking around the city barefoot or sitting on my jumper on the train feeling sorry for myself because I slipped down a flight of stairs at Town Hall Station. The worst part it, I generally tend to forget the idea. And then later I’ll try to rack my brain and search for it – but it becomes forever lost in a labyrinth I like to call “Rebekah’s Brain’. Continue reading
It seems contradictory, eh? How can you cope when there is clearly no possible way in which you can? How do you manage to become well when the thought alone is unfathomable? I think for us structured, organised, OCDish, perfectionistic types, it’s a clever idea to have a back up plan, a ‘Plan B’ as such when life suddenly seems to spiral out of control and you have no idea how the hell it happened or how to cope.
And what happens when we aren’t coping? We fall back on terrible coping strategies. We become impulsive. We act out, drink too much, we self-harm, we purge or overexercise or restrict. We overdose. We become vulnerable and are no longer safe, even with ourselves. All because we don’t know how to deal with the overwhelming feelings going on in our hearts and minds and guts, so we shove them aside for the time being hoping they’ll solve themselves.
But that doesn’t happen, unfortunately. Or fortunately really, considering experiencing pain is inevitable and a growth experience. But that doesn’t make it any easier, let me assure you.
– Allow yourself to be alone. Seriously. Go out for a coffee by yourself (but only if it also involves tasty pastries). Go swing on a swing or go for a walk or go to a nearby park and draw the environment around you. Just because you aren’t always with someone doesn’t mean you don’t have support.
– Journal. Journal a lot. Write down thoughts and emotions you can feel in your body. Write down what has gone on in the day. Write a poem, write a song. Give it a tune, if that’s your thing. Then go walking barefoot and sing it loudly and terribly.
– Read helpful books. Books that help you to understand who you are better. Not books that are triggering or distressing, but books that encourage positive thinking and a healthy lifestyle. And read crappy fiction books too. Or fantastic literature such as:
or equiv. If such a thing exists next to ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’. Which it doesn’t.
– Eat good food. Today I’ve had raisin toast, yoghurt and tea, a coffee, some crackers and cheese and a wrap with ham, ricotta, tomato and olives. And I am so ridiculously thankful for it all, food is SO GOOD. Be thankful. And do things and eat things that make you feel good 🙂
– It might sound crazy, but go see a movie alone. Distract yourself from your mind. Plan things for the day ahead. Go and stare at a beach in wonder. Plan to spend time with people and anticipate those moments greatly. And then anticipate being alone again.
– write a list detailing every single thought you’ve ever had about why you would like to recover. Why you need to recover. Why your life will be significantly improved if you no longer purge or restrict or overexercise or self-harm or drink or overdose as a means of coping with all the issues that are going on. I bet you can think of a tonne of them, right now off the top of your head. It’s a good challenge.
There are really so many other ideas floating around in my head, like writing little words of affirmation to yourself and leaving them places you will see them regularly, or taking photos of things that make you feel ridiculously warm and fuzzy inside but if you think it might be a good idea for you to do something like this, go ahead and write them yourself!
And then go right ahead and do them 🙂
These are much healthier ways of coping than the things I mentioned before – but harder to implement in your life. But be brave. I have a feeling your bravery will pay off.
Love, B xo.
I’m writing to let you know that I just drank the dregs of an awful cup of tea. It was gross and has so far been the downfall of my morning.
I also wanted to write and let you know a few things. Like that having an eating disorder or other mental health issue isn’t your fault; it’s actually how you’ve learnt to cope with past experiences. And no, you’re not a complete idiot for not knowing exactly how to get better – in fact, it’s nice that you can see that “better” is actually on the cards, and in the future.
I’d like to let you know that you’re not in control. That you can’t control everything around you. That you can’t control people, you can’t always control how you react to things, you can’t control how you feel sometimes and you definitely can’t control how others think about and perceive you.
Or when there’s so much sadness in you, it’s okay to just let it be there. It’s okay to just sit with your emotions and observe them; we’re always seeking to get rid of our feelings but we don’t actually really need to do that. Emotion is okay! A bizarre fact, but nevertheless true.
I’d like to also remind you that you are not God. As in, you are not God. *insert your name here* is not God. I am not God. We are not God. We can’t make things happen. We can’t change God’s plans. It doesn’t mean that we don’t have brains in our heads and feet in our shoes and aren’t responsible for our own actions (because we are!) but God is sovereign and is ultimately the one who is in control – not us. Be assured I’m not saying this because I’m the best at trusting Him, I’m saying it because it’s something I really need to learn, am in the process of learning and want you to learn too if you need to do so!
I’d like you to know that food isn’t an enemy, but a friend! (especially bacon :))
And that things actually will be okay, eventually. It sounds lame and cliché of me to tell you to keep pushing forward with your recovery because it’s so worthwhile (despite its difficulty) but I’m going to do it anyway: please keep pushing forward with your recovery!
You cannnn doooo eeeet.
Love, Bek Xo.
Don’t you hate it when you’re walking along and you make a mental note to do something, don’t think to write it down because hot danggg, you’re good and you’ll obviously remember but then you forget anyway? That happened for me in writing this blog post.
The good thing is though that I’ve actually thought of a few things I’d like to write anyway – so that’s a bonus. I guess. If you want to see it that way.
If you missed it – I wrote a blog post for Melinda Tankard Reist last week – check it out here. It’s pretty exciting!
The other thing I just wanted to briefly mention was aboutttttt a challenge that is in my very near future – cooking for myself (dinner) here on in for the rest of my life (or until I acquire a husband who is far superior at cooking than I). So yes – there could be a few difficult nights ahead, a few stressful IGA visits as I ponder what to purchase / cook and generally hard days as I keep pushing myself to becoming truly independent.
Also, I tend to resort to scrambled eggs or equiv when I’m stressed food-wise. So encourage me to cook veggies and meat! That would be very helpful.
Apologies if that seems trivial to you, but these are some of the things that can stress the ED brain out. So please keep me in your thoughts / prayers in the coming weeks. And please let me know if I can do the same for you in any way 🙂
Much love,
Bek Xo.
R is for Recovery (and Rebekah) 